In Memory of Martin James Connarton | Matt Connarton Unleashed

0:00 Speaker 1: All right, this is it. Everybody, here we go, welcome.

0:04 Speaker 1: This is Matt Connorton Unleashed, the AF version of the

0:08 Speaker 1: show mcu AF And as I always like to say,

0:11 Speaker 1: if you don't know what the AF stands for, just

0:13 Speaker 1: ask someone younger than you. But this is a version

0:16 Speaker 1: of the show, and today is going to be a

0:17 Speaker 1: very unusual version of the show. But the podcast version,

0:20 Speaker 1: you know, we do as kind of a it's a

0:22 Speaker 1: supplement to the actual radio show. The radio show we

0:26 Speaker 1: do of Matt Connorton Unleashed every Saturday morning from nine

0:30 Speaker 1: am to noon from the studios of w n H

0:33 Speaker 1: ninety five point three FM and Glorious Manchester, New Hampshire.

0:37 Speaker 1: But the podcast version we do separate. It is strictly

0:40 Speaker 1: online and the purpose of the podcast version of the

0:43 Speaker 1: show is really just to do anything that we want

0:47 Speaker 1: to do on the show that for one reason or

0:51 Speaker 1: another we just is just not going to fit the

0:53 Speaker 1: current format of the radio show. So we only do

0:58 Speaker 1: the podcast version of the show occasionally. But that's that's

1:01 Speaker 1: what this is now. You know. I was attempted to just

1:06 Speaker 1: do the stream and not call it Matt Connorson Unleashed,

1:09 Speaker 1: not even call it that, but I am going to

1:12 Speaker 1: put it out in the podcast feed so people who

1:16 Speaker 1: subscribe to the show will get it because and it'll

1:18 Speaker 1: make sense in a moment when I tell you what

1:19 Speaker 1: we're doing, even though we're doing something unusual. So this

1:23 Speaker 1: was not advertised at all. I kind of decided in

1:27 Speaker 1: the moment a few minutes ago that now is the time.

1:30 Speaker 1: It's something that's been kicking around in my mind for

1:33 Speaker 1: a while. Again, this will all makes sense. I'm sorry

1:35 Speaker 1: if I'm being cryptic. I'm getting to it. But but

1:39 Speaker 1: for anyone who happens to be streaming the show live,

1:41 Speaker 1: because most people will just get it in the podcast

1:43 Speaker 1: after the fact. But if you are joining me live,

1:47 Speaker 1: today is Sunday, January twenty twenty five, twenty fifth Sunday

1:53 Speaker 1: January twenty fifth, twenty twenty six, as the country is

1:58 Speaker 1: in the midst of a terrible, terrible storm and I

2:02 Speaker 1: hope everyone is safe here in Manchester, New Hampshire, where

2:05 Speaker 1: I am right now. I did some shoveling earlier, and

2:08 Speaker 1: I planned to do some more shoveling in a little

2:10 Speaker 1: bit because trying to trying to stay ahead of it,

2:13 Speaker 1: trying to keep up with it, as best as possible,

2:16 Speaker 1: which is not easy to do. But but you know,

2:22 Speaker 1: we're lucky here. I mean, at least we're prepared for

2:24 Speaker 1: for weather events here. You know, in some parts of

2:27 Speaker 1: the country, obviously obviously in the South, they're not prepared

2:30 Speaker 1: for for anything like this. You know, in places like

2:34 Speaker 1: Texas and Arkansas, where they're experiencing you know, ice and

2:38 Speaker 1: even a little bit of snow there can really mess

2:40 Speaker 1: things up for them because they're not prepared for it.

2:42 Speaker 1: So but we're but we're having quite a storm. So

2:44 Speaker 1: I hope everyone is safe, as safe as you can be.

2:49 Speaker 1: So what we're doing today is this is why. And

2:53 Speaker 1: again I didn't tell anybody ahead of time. It's been

2:56 Speaker 1: on my mind all day that it might finally be

3:01 Speaker 1: time to do this. This is going to be a

3:04 Speaker 1: little bit difficult, and I've been putting it off for

3:08 Speaker 1: well been about five weeks now. But my father, as

3:15 Speaker 1: some of you watching or listening will know, my dad,

3:18 Speaker 1: Martin Connorton, passed away on December eighteenth, twenty twenty five.

3:24 Speaker 1: And on the show that Saturday, on the radio show,

3:31 Speaker 1: because I still you know, of course I still did

3:32 Speaker 1: the radio show that Saturday, you know, because I know

3:37 Speaker 1: it's a terrible cliche and it sounds so trite, but

3:40 Speaker 1: the show must go on, as they say, and you know,

3:46 Speaker 1: I just the best way for me to process grief

3:49 Speaker 1: also is just to stay busy. I'm just checking to

3:53 Speaker 1: make sure the audio is okay here, okay. I was

3:59 Speaker 1: just checking on my phone make sure I had a

4:01 Speaker 1: little issue with the microphone the mic setup before going on.

4:05 Speaker 1: So I said on the show that Saturday, I opened

4:15 Speaker 1: and I kind of did a sort of a brief

4:18 Speaker 1: maybe ten twelve minutes, you know, just talking about my

4:23 Speaker 1: dad and sorry, I'm looking in the camera and realizing

4:30 Speaker 1: how chapped my lips are and how terrible that looks.

4:34 Speaker 1: I'm almost unintentionally. I don't I don't mean to do it,

4:37 Speaker 1: but it's like, now that I'm doing this, I'm procrastinating.

4:39 Speaker 1: I'm getting to it, all right. It's hard. So I

4:42 Speaker 1: talked on the show about my dad, and I partly

4:46 Speaker 1: because I just wanted to, because I'd been public on

4:49 Speaker 1: social media about everything that was going on with him.

4:53 Speaker 1: You know, he'd been at Mass General for a couple

4:55 Speaker 1: of months. But I wanted to publicly thank everybody for

5:01 Speaker 1: the outpouring of love and support, which which really does

5:06 Speaker 1: mean a lot to me. And I also said when

5:10 Speaker 1: I talked about when I talk about my dad, you know, again,

5:15 Speaker 1: relatively briefly that morning, I said that when I was ready,

5:20 Speaker 1: I was going to do a separate podcast version of

5:25 Speaker 1: the show, a podcast episode of the show where I

5:28 Speaker 1: could just do a stream and just just speak freely

5:34 Speaker 1: and say everything that I wanted to say. And I

5:36 Speaker 1: felt like it was easier and perhaps more productive to

5:41 Speaker 1: do it in this format than to do it on

5:44 Speaker 1: the radio show, only because to do it live on

5:47 Speaker 1: the radio show, you know, you got to kind of

5:53 Speaker 1: I mean, we have a busy show, and I didn't

5:59 Speaker 1: want to schedule it into the show. Okay, on this day,

6:02 Speaker 1: in this segment, I'm going to do this and then

6:06 Speaker 1: have the pressure of, first of all, on that day

6:11 Speaker 1: when it's time for that segment, I have to be

6:14 Speaker 1: emotionally prepared for it. I didn't want that pressure, and

6:17 Speaker 1: I didn't want, you know, to be worried about, Okay,

6:19 Speaker 1: who's the guest, who's coming up in the next segment.

6:22 Speaker 1: I only have so much time to say this. I

6:24 Speaker 1: didn't want any of that. I just wanted to be

6:26 Speaker 1: able to just speak freely, and it's as long or

6:29 Speaker 1: as short as it's going to be because it's not

6:32 Speaker 1: the radio show, because it's just the podcast, it's the stream.

6:34 Speaker 1: It can be whatever I want, So you know, it

6:37 Speaker 1: could be it could be twenty minutes, it could be

6:39 Speaker 1: an hour, it doesn't matter, and I can just say

6:42 Speaker 1: what I want to say. If if at some point

6:45 Speaker 1: I feel like not that this is going to happen,

6:48 Speaker 1: but if at some point during this I feel like

6:50 Speaker 1: I'm not emotionally able to continue, I just don't where

6:54 Speaker 1: if I start to feel like, oh, this was a mistake.

6:56 Speaker 1: I thought I was ready, I'm not ready. I can

6:58 Speaker 1: dump out of it and say, well, thanks everybody who

7:00 Speaker 1: joined us live, but I'm not going to finish this

7:03 Speaker 1: right now. So I do see that we have some

7:06 Speaker 1: some people who have joined us live, and welcome everybody,

7:09 Speaker 1: and the chat room is open, by the way, if

7:11 Speaker 1: anyone wants to chime in, if anyone has anything to

7:13 Speaker 1: say regarding my dad. But but I did say that

7:16 Speaker 1: on the radio, I said, when I'm ready, I will

7:18 Speaker 1: do a podcast episode. I will do a live and

7:21 Speaker 1: a live stream, which of course the audio will be

7:23 Speaker 1: taken and made into the podcast episode. Of the show,

7:26 Speaker 1: and it's been it's been what five weeks now, because

7:31 Speaker 1: he passed away on December eighteenth. I didn't expect it

7:33 Speaker 1: to be by the way. I didn't expect it to

7:35 Speaker 1: be that long before I did this, but so something

7:41 Speaker 1: happened the other night. So I'm going to start. I'm

7:44 Speaker 1: going to start here and kind of work backward a

7:46 Speaker 1: little bit. But and and by the way too, because

7:50 Speaker 1: some people might be curious or might be confused about something.

7:54 Speaker 1: So there's a specific reason that I think it's appropriate

8:00 Speaker 1: because if you don't know it, might this might all

8:01 Speaker 1: seem a little self indulgent to you or a little

8:03 Speaker 1: narcissistic on my part, and maybe it is. I mean,

8:08 Speaker 1: I got to be a little bit narcissistic, right, because

8:10 Speaker 1: anyone who owes a podcast or a radio show, you know,

8:12 Speaker 1: there has to be some element of narcissism in one's

8:14 Speaker 1: personality to believe that other human beings are interested in

8:19 Speaker 1: what we have to present, so that that comes with it, right,

8:21 Speaker 1: that is an element of my personality. I acknowledge that,

8:25 Speaker 1: for better or worse. But I felt it appropriate because

8:29 Speaker 1: a lot of listeners to the radio show over the

8:32 Speaker 1: years became familiar with my dad, and some of you

8:37 Speaker 1: formed parasocial I guess might be the term relationships with

8:41 Speaker 1: my dad. And I don't say that to be dismissive

8:43 Speaker 1: or anything like that, but that's you know, many of

8:47 Speaker 1: you got to know my dad, not because you met

8:49 Speaker 1: him in person or anything, but because you got to

8:52 Speaker 1: know him on social media. You know, my dad would

8:54 Speaker 1: call into the show and then and then people would

8:57 Speaker 1: friend him on Facebook, for example, and and so forth.

9:01 Speaker 1: So because so many of you knew him that way,

9:06 Speaker 1: I thought, you know, people might like to hear what

9:11 Speaker 1: I have to say about him in some detail. But

9:15 Speaker 1: also selfishly, and again perhaps narcissistically, but selfishly, I just

9:22 Speaker 1: thought it would be good for me to do this

9:25 Speaker 1: and to just kind of say everything that I want

9:28 Speaker 1: to say about him. If if that's if you're consuming

9:36 Speaker 1: this content and that's not interesting to you, I completely understand.

9:39 Speaker 1: I'm doing this more for myself than for anyone else. Obviously,

9:42 Speaker 1: this is a very different episode of the show than

9:46 Speaker 1: than anything else we've ever done on the show. So

9:48 Speaker 1: if this is not what you want from Matt Connorton Unleashed,

9:53 Speaker 1: uh no, uh, you know, no offense taken. Again, I

9:58 Speaker 1: have no idea. When it's all said, I have no

10:00 Speaker 1: idea how many people are gonna watch or listen to

10:02 Speaker 1: this episode of the show. It may be a lot,

10:06 Speaker 1: it may be very few. I have no idea how

10:08 Speaker 1: to predict it, and I'm not worried about it. Again, ultimately,

10:10 Speaker 1: this is more for myself. But if you are going

10:14 Speaker 1: to and you're interested in taking this little journey with me,

10:16 Speaker 1: I appreciate you and thank you. But the other night,

10:22 Speaker 1: and this is what I meant by we're going to

10:23 Speaker 1: start here and then go back. This has been on

10:27 Speaker 1: my mind for the past couple of days, and it's

10:29 Speaker 1: kind of part of why I finally decided I needed

10:32 Speaker 1: to do this now. Not necessarily for closure per se,

10:36 Speaker 1: because I kind of hate that term and I don't

10:38 Speaker 1: really believe in closure quote unquote, but I think that

10:42 Speaker 1: maybe maybe this will help me kind of get past

10:47 Speaker 1: the other night, because the other night I had a

10:49 Speaker 1: dream about my dad and it's stuck with me. John

10:55 Speaker 1: Hopwood warned me about this, by the way, John Hopwood

10:58 Speaker 1: said that, And of course longtime listeners of Matt Connorton

11:04 Speaker 1: Unleash are familiar with John Hopwood. He's been but I've

11:06 Speaker 1: been seeing John Friday nights for Retrospectrum Radio with poly

11:09 Speaker 1: C because I'm also a part of that show, and

11:11 Speaker 1: John has been a part of that show recently as well,

11:13 Speaker 1: and I think he's gonna be on more often, which

11:15 Speaker 1: is wonderful. Love John Hopwood. But John kind of warned

11:20 Speaker 1: me about this. He said, your father is going to

11:25 Speaker 1: visit you in your dreams. He said, it's just what happened.

11:28 Speaker 1: And I've heard other people say that too, that their

11:30 Speaker 1: parents visit them in their dreams, their parents who've passed

11:32 Speaker 1: away or other relatives who have passed away. I you know,

11:39 Speaker 1: when he first told me that, I said, Okay, well

11:40 Speaker 1: we'll see what happens. John said his mother had never

11:45 Speaker 1: visited him after she passed away, but she did tell

11:48 Speaker 1: me that my dad would visit me in my dreams. Now,

11:51 Speaker 1: what does that mean? Does that mean my dad is

11:57 Speaker 1: going to appear in my dreams as a character in

11:59 Speaker 1: my dream that I'm having Because I'm processing grief, and

12:05 Speaker 1: dreams are just bits and pieces of things going on

12:08 Speaker 1: in our subconscious and our unconscious minds. It comes out

12:11 Speaker 1: while we're asleep, and you know, or does it mean

12:14 Speaker 1: that my father, you know, is sort of a spirit

12:17 Speaker 1: somehow floating around. He's going to come into my dream

12:20 Speaker 1: and visit me or whatever. Now let me before I

12:27 Speaker 1: go any further with that thought, let me just tell

12:29 Speaker 1: you this. If you don't know, if you don't know me,

12:31 Speaker 1: if you don't know much about me, what I believe,

12:32 Speaker 1: what I don't believe. So I will tell you upfront,

12:36 Speaker 1: I am not a religious person. To the chagrin of

12:39 Speaker 1: my father, I'm not a religious person. I was raised Catholic.

12:44 Speaker 1: I you know, once I was old enough to decide

12:46 Speaker 1: whether or not to continue to go to church, I said, nope,

12:51 Speaker 1: count me out. That's a whole other subject sort of

12:58 Speaker 1: because my father was very devout Catholic is all his life.

13:04 Speaker 1: But I won't take that side street here. But I'm

13:09 Speaker 1: not a religious person, so I don't presume that there

13:15 Speaker 1: is anything after this. You know, sometimes people will ask me, Matt,

13:18 Speaker 1: why do you you know you do so much? Are

13:20 Speaker 1: always so busy? You know why? It's like, Well, because

13:23 Speaker 1: I don't. I don't think there's an after I don't

13:27 Speaker 1: think there's some great reward waiting for us on the

13:29 Speaker 1: other side of this. So I want to make the

13:31 Speaker 1: most of this. So I do a lot of different things,

13:33 Speaker 1: and I like to be busy. I'm a busy person

13:36 Speaker 1: and I like it that way because I want to

13:37 Speaker 1: get the most I can out out of this life.

13:40 Speaker 1: Because I don't think there's another one waiting for us.

13:42 Speaker 1: I don't think there's eternity. All that being said, I

13:48 Speaker 1: am open to the idea. I was talking about this

13:51 Speaker 1: with a friend just recently. I am open to the

13:54 Speaker 1: idea that maybe maybe our consciousness or some form of us,

14:00 Speaker 1: our energy, whatever it may be, does continue on in

14:02 Speaker 1: some way. I mean, do I believe that there's an

14:05 Speaker 1: invisible man in the sky and we get to go

14:08 Speaker 1: be with him after we die. No, no offense to

14:11 Speaker 1: those of you who are religious. I try to be

14:13 Speaker 1: respectful of everyone's beliefs. Personally, I find the entire notion

14:18 Speaker 1: of it rather absurd. I'm just being honest. The show's

14:21 Speaker 1: called Unleashed for a reason because I say what I think,

14:24 Speaker 1: like it or lump it. But I but I also

14:29 Speaker 1: at the same time, I cannot deny that I have

14:32 Speaker 1: seen and experienced things over the course of my life

14:37 Speaker 1: that I don't know how to explain. So I'm My

14:42 Speaker 1: default is to be skeptical always especially when it comes

14:47 Speaker 1: to organized religion, because my personal belief is organized religion

14:51 Speaker 1: is used as a tool, a political tool, and has

14:54 Speaker 1: really nothing to do with God ultimately. But maybe because

15:02 Speaker 1: most people are so phony about it, it's hard not

15:06 Speaker 1: to take those side streets when I start talking about

15:08 Speaker 1: this stuff. Okay, so I don't believe that you go

15:11 Speaker 1: to this magical place called heaven and you get to

15:14 Speaker 1: hang out with a deity for the rest of eternity,

15:17 Speaker 1: but I am open to the idea that you may

15:20 Speaker 1: continue on in some other form. I kind of hope

15:25 Speaker 1: that that's not the case, because as nice as that

15:28 Speaker 1: might sound on the surface, I kind of you know,

15:32 Speaker 1: Christopher Hitchens talked about this and wrote about this. He

15:36 Speaker 1: actually found the idea of an afterlife more frightening than oblivion,

15:41 Speaker 1: because you know, you do you want to be just

15:46 Speaker 1: floating around for all eternity. That doesn't sound that great necessarily.

15:52 Speaker 1: I mean, what if there is an after life and

15:54 Speaker 1: it sucks, and maybe that's what hell would be, but

15:57 Speaker 1: what if every so well, what if it sucks for

15:59 Speaker 1: every I don't know. So it's almost it's almost less

16:05 Speaker 1: comforting to think that you go to this other place.

16:10 Speaker 1: But so I get. What I'm trying to say is

16:13 Speaker 1: when I talk about my dad coming to visit me

16:16 Speaker 1: in my dream, I'm not saying that he actually came

16:20 Speaker 1: and visited in my dream. But I'm also not saying

16:23 Speaker 1: that he didn't. I'm open to the possibility that he

16:28 Speaker 1: is on some other plane and he can come into

16:30 Speaker 1: my dreams. Probably not, it's probably just me processing my grief.

16:37 Speaker 1: That's the most logical thing. Here's what makes me wonder though,

16:45 Speaker 1: here's part of why when it comes to dreams, I'm

16:47 Speaker 1: open to these other things. So most dreams. People like

16:54 Speaker 1: to talk about how their dreams mean something or you know,

16:57 Speaker 1: their dreams are predictive in some way. They they dream

17:01 Speaker 1: about things and then it must be a psychic thing

17:03 Speaker 1: that's happening, because they'll dream about something and then it

17:05 Speaker 1: actually happens and it actually comes true. Now, I don't

17:07 Speaker 1: believe any of that because for me, and I'm pretty

17:11 Speaker 1: sure this is the case for most people, my dreams

17:14 Speaker 1: are almost always just completely random. They don't make any sense.

17:18 Speaker 1: If they even have, you know, the slightest thread of

17:22 Speaker 1: a storyline to them, it just it doesn't. It doesn't

17:25 Speaker 1: make sense. There's there's people in my dream, these different

17:29 Speaker 1: characters that I knew in different periods of my life,

17:32 Speaker 1: who couldn't possibly exist in my life at the same time,

17:35 Speaker 1: none of it makes any sense. And then I, you know,

17:38 Speaker 1: and then I wake up thinking what the hell was

17:40 Speaker 1: that about? You know, so my dreams don't make sense,

17:43 Speaker 1: and then I forget them. You know, dreams fade, and

17:47 Speaker 1: that's the natural that's a natural thing for all of us. Right,

17:49 Speaker 1: we wake up and whatever we were dreaming about almost

17:52 Speaker 1: immediately starts to fade away. So when you go back

17:56 Speaker 1: and try to remember that dream later, unless it's a

17:58 Speaker 1: dream that made a real impression on you, you can't

18:01 Speaker 1: even remember much of anything about the dream. That's why,

18:06 Speaker 1: you know. There used to be this myth. I hope

18:08 Speaker 1: nobody still believed this. This still believes this. But there

18:11 Speaker 1: used to be this weird idea that some people dream

18:13 Speaker 1: in black and white and some people dream in color.

18:16 Speaker 1: And obviously it's bullshit. Nobody dreams in black and white.

18:19 Speaker 1: Why would you dream in black and white? Your brain

18:22 Speaker 1: is not a television. It's not an old television that

18:26 Speaker 1: you know. It doesn't make any sense. Why would anyone

18:28 Speaker 1: dream in black and white? But the explanation that researchers

18:32 Speaker 1: figured out is it's because for some people when they

18:35 Speaker 1: come out of the dream, the first thing that they

18:38 Speaker 1: begin to forget is the colors. They forget the colors

18:42 Speaker 1: of the dream. So they have a perception that they

18:45 Speaker 1: were dreaming in black and white, when in reality that's impossible.

18:49 Speaker 1: Why would you dream in black and white? Makes no

18:52 Speaker 1: logical sense. So I say all that to say the

18:57 Speaker 1: dream I had about my father was so vivid and

19:03 Speaker 1: so real that I can't get it out of my mind.

19:07 Speaker 1: And I haven't forgotten a single detail about it. So

19:14 Speaker 1: and that's part of why I decided to do this today,

19:16 Speaker 1: because I can't get that dream out of my mind.

19:18 Speaker 1: And I'm gonna tell you what happened in the dream.

19:22 Speaker 1: And it was not a nice dream. It wasn't a

19:24 Speaker 1: nice you know. Uh oh, hey, Dad, you're coming to

19:29 Speaker 1: see me in my dream. It's so good to know

19:31 Speaker 1: that you're still floating around somewhere in the ether or whatever.

19:34 Speaker 1: The hell. No, it was not a nice dream. It

19:37 Speaker 1: was a nightmare. So here's here's what my dream was.

19:42 Speaker 1: I'm sitting in the driveway. It's dark, so it's nighttime.

19:46 Speaker 1: I'm in the car in the driveway. I look to

19:48 Speaker 1: my left and I see my father walking toward me slowly.

19:54 Speaker 1: He's walking toward the car. He's going very slow. He

19:59 Speaker 1: has a blank express on his face, but he's looking

20:01 Speaker 1: directly at me. And I start freaking out, and I start, yeah,

20:08 Speaker 1: forgive me, there's a little bit of harsh language here.

20:10 Speaker 1: If there's any youngins listening, probably not. But I started

20:13 Speaker 1: freaking out, and I started yelling at him, what the

20:16 Speaker 1: fuck are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here.

20:20 Speaker 1: Get out of here. You are not supposed to be here.

20:23 Speaker 1: Why are you here? And I'm just sub screaming at him,

20:27 Speaker 1: and then, uh, you know, and then I started yelling

20:30 Speaker 1: for help because I didn't understand why my father, who

20:35 Speaker 1: is dead, is approaching me while I'm sitting in the

20:39 Speaker 1: car in the driveway and I'm freaked out and he

20:42 Speaker 1: and he's just got this blank look on his face,

20:45 Speaker 1: and I feel like he's so trite to say it,

20:49 Speaker 1: but I almost felt like I was trapped in a

20:51 Speaker 1: zombie movie or something. And I started yelling. After I

20:54 Speaker 1: was done yelling at him to get get the fuck

20:56 Speaker 1: away from me, I start I started yelling for help

20:59 Speaker 1: and that's when I woke up. That dream is it

21:04 Speaker 1: was so vivid and so real. The only other dream

21:09 Speaker 1: I can think of that I've ever had that was

21:12 Speaker 1: like that, and Jenny's the only person I've ever told

21:17 Speaker 1: about this. The only other dream I can have that

21:20 Speaker 1: was like that was a number of years ago. I

21:23 Speaker 1: think it was shortly after I started at WM and H,

21:26 Speaker 1: so it was quite a few years ago, because I'll

21:28 Speaker 1: have been there, sheeid, It'll be nine years in April.

21:30 Speaker 1: Oh my god, time it goes way too fast. I

21:34 Speaker 1: had a dream, and this was a positive dream, although

21:36 Speaker 1: I woke up crying because it was very moving to me.

21:40 Speaker 1: But I had a dream about a gentleman named John Denido. Now,

21:44 Speaker 1: when I was in high school, and I'm dating myself

21:46 Speaker 1: a bit here, but when I was in high school,

21:48 Speaker 1: I worked at Sears. And if there's anyone who sees

21:52 Speaker 1: this or listens from Concord, New Hampshire, you might know

21:55 Speaker 1: that Sears at the time before it was in the

21:58 Speaker 1: Seeplegate Mall, it was on Main Street and conquered. It

22:01 Speaker 1: was a much smaller location and I worked there and

22:04 Speaker 1: John Denido was the manager there of the department that

22:07 Speaker 1: I worked in and John was a great guy, just

22:09 Speaker 1: a wonderful, wonderful man. Couldn't have asked for a nicer boss,

22:15 Speaker 1: so nice, in fact, he was. Probably in some ways

22:17 Speaker 1: he might have been a little too nice, just in

22:20 Speaker 1: terms of it was easy to get away with stuff,

22:23 Speaker 1: and you know, he didn't really like to get you know,

22:25 Speaker 1: get mad at anybody, and he probably should have, because

22:28 Speaker 1: I and the other high school age people who are

22:31 Speaker 1: working there were not always the best employees in some ways, probably,

22:35 Speaker 1: but John was a very nice man, and I would

22:38 Speaker 1: run into him even years after I worked as year

22:41 Speaker 1: as I would run into him occasionally. And then I

22:45 Speaker 1: found out from someone I had talked to or run

22:48 Speaker 1: into that John had passed away. He had been a smoker,

22:52 Speaker 1: he'd always been a heavy smoker, and apparently the lung

22:55 Speaker 1: cancer got him and he passed away. And I think

22:59 Speaker 1: it was probably a year or two after that. After

23:02 Speaker 1: he died, I had a dream and this was this

23:08 Speaker 1: was so vivid, and I still remember every detail about it.

23:13 Speaker 1: In my dream, I'm back in high school working at

23:20 Speaker 1: Sears in the hardware department. Which will be funny to

23:23 Speaker 1: people who know me really well, because I'm the most

23:26 Speaker 1: unhandy person you'll ever meet. But for whatever reason, I

23:30 Speaker 1: was working in the hardware department and John Denido appears

23:38 Speaker 1: and walks over to me and he said to me,

23:45 Speaker 1: and I knew he was talking about the radio show

23:50 Speaker 1: or the podcasting because so just quick backstory. When I

23:56 Speaker 1: first went to work there at Sears, I was very shy,

24:00 Speaker 1: very quiet, very quiet. I was such an introvert. I mean,

24:03 Speaker 1: I am an introvert. Technically, it's not something you necessarily

24:07 Speaker 1: grow out of. You just learn to manage it so

24:08 Speaker 1: you can do things like this. But I was very

24:10 Speaker 1: much an introvert, very shy, very quiet, didn't express myself

24:14 Speaker 1: very much. But John he comes over to me in

24:19 Speaker 1: this dream, and he looked He didn't look like he

24:24 Speaker 1: looked the last time I had seen him. Run into him.

24:27 Speaker 1: He looked like he did when I was in high

24:29 Speaker 1: school when he hired me. And he walked over to

24:33 Speaker 1: me and he said, Matt, I just want you to

24:38 Speaker 1: know that you were so shy and so quiet when

24:45 Speaker 1: you came to work for me. But I always knew

24:51 Speaker 1: that someday you would find your voice and that you

24:54 Speaker 1: would have a lot to say. I always knew, and

25:00 Speaker 1: I'm very proud of you. And see, even now, it's

25:08 Speaker 1: still so vivid in my mind. Even now it affects

25:11 Speaker 1: me thinking about that dream and that moment. It's bizarre,

25:21 Speaker 1: but it does. It does. It still affects me now

25:23 Speaker 1: and then and and then he said, don't ever go

25:39 Speaker 1: back to being quiet. And he said, uh, I'll I'll

25:52 Speaker 1: see you again someday. They kind of he kind of

26:00 Speaker 1: smiled and laughed, and he said, but don't worry, not

26:04 Speaker 1: anytime soon, which was typical of John. And then he

26:11 Speaker 1: just went away. And then I woke up, and I

26:13 Speaker 1: woke up in tears. But that's the only other dream.

26:18 Speaker 1: So that was a nice, a nice dream to have

26:21 Speaker 1: such a vivid, uh, a vivid experience dreaming that. But uh,

26:28 Speaker 1: but that's the only other one I can remember ever

26:29 Speaker 1: having like that. I've also had instances of sleep paralysis,

26:34 Speaker 1: which I won't get into all that because that's a

26:36 Speaker 1: whole If you've ever experienced sleep paralysis, you know that's

26:39 Speaker 1: like you're really having a nightmare, and it also seems

26:42 Speaker 1: very vivid and real, but it's there's a whole different

26:45 Speaker 1: dynamic to it that's terrifying. But uh, but no, the

26:52 Speaker 1: dream I had about my dad was not like that

26:54 Speaker 1: the dream I had about my dad. And it's funny too,

26:57 Speaker 1: because I saw John when I saw Joe on Friday night.

27:01 Speaker 1: This was the next day after I'd had the dream.

27:02 Speaker 1: I said to John, I said, well, you were right.

27:05 Speaker 1: My dad did come to visit me in my dream

27:07 Speaker 1: and it was terrifying. And he said, yeah, he was

27:10 Speaker 1: probably angry with you because that's what happened. Because he said,

27:13 Speaker 1: that's what happened to me. My dad came to visit

27:16 Speaker 1: me in my dreams, and he was angry with me

27:18 Speaker 1: at first, and eventually he wasn't. And I said, oh, great,

27:23 Speaker 1: So there's probably going to be more of this. He

27:24 Speaker 1: said probably so anyway, so that that kind of that's

27:33 Speaker 1: part of why I'm doing this now. I gotta get

27:35 Speaker 1: this out. So, uh, let's go back a little bit.

27:41 Speaker 1: So I want to talk about my dad, growing up

27:45 Speaker 1: with him, and I am going to because inevitably someone's

27:54 Speaker 1: going to wonder, yes, I am going to also address

27:59 Speaker 1: the comp occasions that arose in our relationship in more

28:05 Speaker 1: recent years, partly because again it has to do it

28:10 Speaker 1: has to do with my show, it has to do

28:11 Speaker 1: with Matt Connorton. Unleashed and the previous version of the show,

28:15 Speaker 1: back when the show was on, when we were on

28:17 Speaker 1: Afternoon Drive on WM and H weekdays from four to

28:21 Speaker 1: six pm Monday through Friday, we were Afternoon Drive, and

28:24 Speaker 1: that iteration of the show. It was we had musical

28:28 Speaker 1: guests like we do now, but we also did a

28:31 Speaker 1: lot of politics, and Dad and I had disagreements about that.

28:38 Speaker 1: But so I will address that. That's kind of the

28:43 Speaker 1: uncomfortable part. But it's also the elephant in the room,

28:45 Speaker 1: and it is part of the story, you know, and

28:48 Speaker 1: I'll do so not to be I'll get into it

28:50 Speaker 1: not to be critical of my father, but I just

28:52 Speaker 1: want to just tell you the whole story, give you

28:54 Speaker 1: the whole picture of my dad. But when I was

28:58 Speaker 1: a kid, So my parents split up when I was

29:01 Speaker 1: very young. My mom and my dad divorced. I think

29:04 Speaker 1: I was probably six years old, maybe seven now, I

29:07 Speaker 1: think I was probably six. I'm not sure exactly, though

29:11 Speaker 1: we were living and conquered at the time. My mother

29:15 Speaker 1: moved to Manchester. My mother moved to an apartment that

29:21 Speaker 1: I can actually see, so weird, I can actually see

29:24 Speaker 1: from here. But so she lived in Manchester for a

29:30 Speaker 1: short time, and then she ended up moving back to Chicago, Illinois,

29:37 Speaker 1: where she grew up, and that was kind of that

29:42 Speaker 1: was hard, you know, when my dad told me that

29:44 Speaker 1: my mom was moving, that was a hard thing to hear.

29:50 Speaker 1: But it kind of worked out because what happened was,

29:54 Speaker 1: so my mother moved back there. Per the custody I

29:56 Speaker 1: should clarify something. Per the custody agreement, my dad had

29:59 Speaker 1: primary custody and my mother had secondary custody, if that's

30:03 Speaker 1: the right term. So what would happen, which is unusual,

30:05 Speaker 1: by the way, even at that time, Usually mothers would

30:11 Speaker 1: get if somebody was going to get primary custody, it

30:13 Speaker 1: was going to be the mother, but not in this case.

30:17 Speaker 1: And we won't get into all that why that's another

30:21 Speaker 1: side street that we're not going to take right now.

30:23 Speaker 1: But so my dad had primary custody, which meant my

30:28 Speaker 1: mother had me every other weekend. So every other weekend

30:32 Speaker 1: I would come to Manchester and stay with my mother,

30:35 Speaker 1: you know, on Friday night after school, come to Manchester,

30:39 Speaker 1: and then she would return me to my dad on

30:41 Speaker 1: Sunday evening every other weekend. So that changed when my

30:47 Speaker 1: mother decided she was moving back to Illinois, so now

30:50 Speaker 1: the new thing was, obviously I wasn't going to see

30:53 Speaker 1: her every other weekend. That's a lot of back and

30:54 Speaker 1: forth to Chicago, Illinois. So now the new thing was

30:56 Speaker 1: I was going to go spend the summers with her,

30:58 Speaker 1: so basically July and I guess when school was out,

31:02 Speaker 1: I would be uh spend those uh those months uh

31:05 Speaker 1: in uh Chicago with my mom. Uh, which was great actually,

31:10 Speaker 1: so you know, kind of worked out. Both my parents remarried. Uh.

31:14 Speaker 1: My mother, uh, if I have all my facts correct,

31:19 Speaker 1: has been married and divorced four times. My father has

31:26 Speaker 1: been married and divorced twice. Uh that we know about.

31:32 Speaker 1: That's another story, not even really a story because we

31:37 Speaker 1: know so little about the what may have been my

31:39 Speaker 1: dad's third marriage that he kept a secret. Really is

31:43 Speaker 1: no story there to tell because we don't know. I'm

31:45 Speaker 1: not sure. But so that's that's kind of what how

31:50 Speaker 1: that worked out. So so then my father is the reason.

32:00 Speaker 1: I think maybe it would have happened anyway even without

32:05 Speaker 1: my dad's influence, but I doubt it. The reason that

32:07 Speaker 1: I became so interested in politics because for anyone who

32:10 Speaker 1: knows me, I've been a lifelong political junkie. I like

32:14 Speaker 1: to say, only half joking, that I became interested in

32:19 Speaker 1: politics at an unhealthy young age, but I did from

32:25 Speaker 1: a very young age. I was fascinated by politics and

32:31 Speaker 1: my father when I was growing up. So my dad

32:34 Speaker 1: had a friend. His best friend was named Dan, Dan Jordan,

32:37 Speaker 1: and Dan would come to the house a lot, and

32:40 Speaker 1: my father and Dan would have these long, wide ranging

32:46 Speaker 1: political discussions and I would just sit there and listen

32:51 Speaker 1: to them, and I could listen to them for hours.

32:54 Speaker 1: They would just go on and on, and I was

32:56 Speaker 1: fascinated by all of it. And I believe it is

32:59 Speaker 1: that my exposure to that why I grew up to

33:04 Speaker 1: be such a political junkie. Myself, my father at that time,

33:10 Speaker 1: and those of you who got to know my dad

33:12 Speaker 1: through the radio show more recently might be surprised to

33:15 Speaker 1: hear this, But my dad back then was a Democrat

33:21 Speaker 1: and his friend Dan was a Republican, and that was

33:26 Speaker 1: part of what made those conversations so interesting. And they

33:29 Speaker 1: would disagree on many things, probably most things, but they

33:36 Speaker 1: had such interesting and constructive conversations, and they never argued,

33:40 Speaker 1: like nobody ever raised their voice or anything, you know,

33:43 Speaker 1: And they got along wonderfully and they were great friends,

33:45 Speaker 1: but they would really go deep in these conversations and

33:48 Speaker 1: talk about the things where they disagreed. And I remember,

33:51 Speaker 1: I'm really aging myself here, but you know, Dan was

33:55 Speaker 1: a big fan of Ronald Reagan, and my father despised Ronald. Again,

34:01 Speaker 1: not what you might expect if you only got to

34:03 Speaker 1: know my dad in recent years. But the only thing

34:07 Speaker 1: I can think of that my dad agreed with Reagan

34:10 Speaker 1: on was abortion. Because my dad, despite being a Democrat

34:14 Speaker 1: and from what I recall, being pretty liberal when I

34:17 Speaker 1: was growing up, he did always oppose abortion. He because he,

34:24 Speaker 1: you know, he was a devout Catholic and so he

34:27 Speaker 1: seemed to kind of side with the church on that.

34:33 Speaker 1: But that that was the only thing he agreed with

34:36 Speaker 1: Reagan on. And you know, and and he you know,

34:38 Speaker 1: he didn't like uh, he certainly didn't like George H. W.

34:42 Speaker 1: Bush much better. And he was furious about the Iraq War.

34:46 Speaker 1: And I mean the you know, the first well not

34:48 Speaker 1: the not the Iraq War that happened during the w administration.

34:51 Speaker 1: He wasn't a fan of that either. But but you know,

34:53 Speaker 1: when we went in to Kuwait to kick out Saddam,

34:57 Speaker 1: to kick Iraq out of Kuwait. He was very angry

35:00 Speaker 1: about that at the time. I even remember, I even

35:06 Speaker 1: remember when when you know, the Democrats were voting to

35:10 Speaker 1: not allow the President to have authorization to go into Iraq.

35:15 Speaker 1: I remember my dad and I watching that on c SPAN. Yeah,

35:19 Speaker 1: I know, the most politically nerdy thing ever, actually watching

35:22 Speaker 1: something on c SPAN and my dad making a comment

35:24 Speaker 1: to me at the time. He said, you got to

35:25 Speaker 1: be proud of the Democrats, Mattie. They're really called me, Maddie,

35:28 Speaker 1: he said, you know, they're they're really on the right

35:29 Speaker 1: side of this, you know, because they were trying to

35:31 Speaker 1: they were trying to prevent George H. W. Bush from

35:34 Speaker 1: sending troops into Kuwait to kick out Saddam. Operation Operation

35:40 Speaker 1: Desert Shield or Desert Storm. I'm sorry, it was Desert

35:45 Speaker 1: Shield and then it became Desert Storm. Uh yeah, my

35:48 Speaker 1: dad was a post all of that. I don't get

35:51 Speaker 1: me wrong. It was a spectacularly successful mission in terms

35:54 Speaker 1: of how how quick it was, uh getting a rack

35:57 Speaker 1: out of Kuwait and uh with yeah, I mean, was

36:00 Speaker 1: it a few days? I mean it was fast, But

36:03 Speaker 1: that doesn't mean it was the right thing to do,

36:05 Speaker 1: necessarily in terms of our own interests and so forth.

36:10 Speaker 1: But basically, so my dad was when I was growing up.

36:17 Speaker 1: You know, he was a Democrat. Now that's there's reasons

36:20 Speaker 1: why that is relevant. So and my mother too, my mom,

36:26 Speaker 1: although my mother definitely to the left of my dad.

36:28 Speaker 1: My mother was very liberal when I was growing up

36:31 Speaker 1: and still is to this day. She has not changed.

36:34 Speaker 1: My father did. But because because he and Dan had

36:40 Speaker 1: all those amazing conversations that I was so riveted by,

36:44 Speaker 1: I grew up being very interested in politics and that continued,

36:50 Speaker 1: of course continues to this day, although lately it's I

36:57 Speaker 1: don't love it like I used to. We won't get

37:02 Speaker 1: in all of that. But during you know, after you know,

37:12 Speaker 1: well during during adulthood. You know, obviously I wasn't living

37:16 Speaker 1: at home anymore, but my dad and I would get

37:18 Speaker 1: together for lunch occasionally, usually like once every month or

37:22 Speaker 1: once every two months. We were both very busy, but

37:24 Speaker 1: we would we would get together at Johnson's Dairy Bar

37:30 Speaker 1: for a long time because I was living in Conquered,

37:31 Speaker 1: he was living in Dover and Johnson's Dairy Bar. For

37:36 Speaker 1: people who know, the area in Northwood, New Hampshire is

37:38 Speaker 1: kind of the halfway point between you know, between us.

37:41 Speaker 1: So we would meet there on a Sunday afternoon and

37:44 Speaker 1: have lunch, and I always looked forward to having because

37:49 Speaker 1: that was the thing that binded us together, That bound

37:52 Speaker 1: us together, I should say bind it bound us together

37:58 Speaker 1: was our love and fascination with politics. And I always

38:04 Speaker 1: loved talking about because that's that's what we would talk

38:07 Speaker 1: about the whole time. We would talk about music too,

38:11 Speaker 1: and I'll get into that too, because I it's fun

38:14 Speaker 1: to talk about my dad when talking about music, because

38:17 Speaker 1: my dad was always current, I said when he you know,

38:22 Speaker 1: when I posted about this on social media when he died.

38:25 Speaker 1: You know, my father was the only man in his

38:28 Speaker 1: seventies I knew who still listened to college radio, specifically

38:31 Speaker 1: because he wanted to hear new music and not get

38:34 Speaker 1: stuck listening to you know, he never got stuck in

38:37 Speaker 1: a certain time period like like most people do. But

38:40 Speaker 1: but the main thing we would talk about was politics,

38:43 Speaker 1: and I always looked forward to those conversations and always

38:45 Speaker 1: cherished those discussions because it was always interesting whether we

38:49 Speaker 1: agreed or disagreed, and we would disagree on some things

38:52 Speaker 1: and I did notice, I did notice. I had to

38:56 Speaker 1: take a sip of something here this cold, dry air

39:01 Speaker 1: we have all this cold weather, and now the storm

39:03 Speaker 1: is brutal. I did notice my dad was did appear

39:11 Speaker 1: to be incrementally but he did appear to be moving rightward.

39:16 Speaker 1: He was not as liberal as he had once been,

39:18 Speaker 1: and he seemed to he seemed to be becoming more conservative. Now.

39:24 Speaker 1: We continued to have great conversations, though, because he and

39:28 Speaker 1: I could disagree on things, and we still agreed on

39:30 Speaker 1: some things to a point, right, but we could also

39:32 Speaker 1: disagree on things and and and still have a really

39:39 Speaker 1: interesting discussion. In some ways, I felt at the time

39:43 Speaker 1: that it made our discussions even more interesting, because you know,

39:47 Speaker 1: people sitting around agreeing with each other, that's that's fine,

39:51 Speaker 1: But sometimes it's more intellectually stimulating to have a conversation

39:55 Speaker 1: with someone about something you know that you disagree about

39:58 Speaker 1: right and exchange those ideas and those thoughts. So I

40:02 Speaker 1: didn't mind. I mean, I was surprised by it, given

40:06 Speaker 1: how liberal he was when I was growing up, But

40:09 Speaker 1: you know whatever, I mean. I think there was a

40:12 Speaker 1: period where he and I were both technically independence neither

40:15 Speaker 1: you know, not registered with either party, so we still

40:17 Speaker 1: had that in common. But but he you know, he

40:21 Speaker 1: was shifting. He was shifting. But then I'll tell you what,

40:30 Speaker 1: So there was a specific moment. When was the Oberfell decision?

40:33 Speaker 1: What year? I'm bad when it comes to time. It

40:37 Speaker 1: was during Obama? Wait? Was that? Was that twenty fifteen?

40:46 Speaker 1: I thought it was earlier than that. Was that really

40:52 Speaker 1: twenty fifteen? Okay? For some reason I thought it was

41:00 Speaker 1: longer ago than that. I mean, well, that's eleven years.

41:03 Speaker 1: But our conversation about the Oberfell decision stood out to

41:09 Speaker 1: me because because we got we had lunch, like right

41:13 Speaker 1: after this happened right right after the Oberfell decision in

41:18 Speaker 1: the Supreme Court Oberfell versus Hodges, which effectively is was

41:22 Speaker 1: the Supreme Court decision, landmark decision that legalized same sex

41:27 Speaker 1: marriage nationwide. Prior to that, leading up to that, individual states.

41:33 Speaker 1: Proud to say, New Hampshire was one of them, individual

41:37 Speaker 1: states with a lot of Republicans on board with it,

41:41 Speaker 1: by the way, which is interesting. You wouldn't expect that necessarily,

41:44 Speaker 1: but at the time there were enough Republicans who voted

41:47 Speaker 1: with Democrats in New Hampshire to legalize same sex marriage

41:51 Speaker 1: here in New Hampshire. You know, on Libertarians and so forth,

41:55 Speaker 1: But so we were ahead of the curve here on that.

41:58 Speaker 1: But finally, in twenty fifteen, the Supreme Court, in that decision,

42:06 Speaker 1: effectively legalized same sex marriage nationally. So my father I

42:12 Speaker 1: wasn't sure how he was going to feel about it.

42:15 Speaker 1: I knew we were going to talk about it on

42:17 Speaker 1: my way to have lunch with him that way, and

42:19 Speaker 1: I was kind of but I was actually looking forward

42:21 Speaker 1: to to the conversation because again I thought he might disagree.

42:24 Speaker 1: As a devout Catholic man, I do think he was

42:28 Speaker 1: originally supportive of civil unions, though if I'm not mistaken

42:32 Speaker 1: originally now he might have changed his mind about that

42:35 Speaker 1: later on too, But I think originally he was supportive

42:37 Speaker 1: of civil unions, but I suspected, because of his Catholicism

42:42 Speaker 1: that he wasn't going to go that way on this.

42:45 Speaker 1: So I thought we might disagree on it. But again

42:47 Speaker 1: I was still looking forward to the conversation though, because

42:49 Speaker 1: I thought this will be interesting, you know, and we

42:51 Speaker 1: can hear each other's perspectives. And I always always have

42:58 Speaker 1: been I've been consistent on this, consider myself a staunch

43:01 Speaker 1: LGBTQ plus ally, so I thought it was great. I

43:06 Speaker 1: was very pleased with the Oberfel decision. I felt like

43:09 Speaker 1: it was about time. It's funny. I do remember when

43:13 Speaker 1: I was a kid asking my mother once. I had

43:16 Speaker 1: a conversation with my mom when I was a kid

43:18 Speaker 1: about I said, you know, Mom, how come gay people

43:20 Speaker 1: can't get married? And her response was you know, She

43:24 Speaker 1: said something like, you know, because she was always pretty

43:26 Speaker 1: liberal anyway, she said, well, Maddie, you know, hopefully someday

43:29 Speaker 1: they will be able to, you know, because everyone should

43:31 Speaker 1: have the same rights. And I don't know if I

43:35 Speaker 1: had asked my dad that same question, the devout Catholic

43:38 Speaker 1: man that he was, if he would have responded that way.

43:40 Speaker 1: He might have, actually, because again he was a lot

43:42 Speaker 1: more liberal when I was a kid, but never as

43:45 Speaker 1: liberal as my mother, so he might not have. But

43:47 Speaker 1: I do think he supported civil unions though. But the

43:53 Speaker 1: reason this conversation specifically stands out in my mind was

43:57 Speaker 1: it was the first time, or in a political conversation,

44:01 Speaker 1: that I remembered seeing a bit of a flash of

44:06 Speaker 1: anger toward me from my father. And it was brief,

44:11 Speaker 1: like I said, a flash of anger. It was brief,

44:15 Speaker 1: but it struck me. I was surprised by it because

44:19 Speaker 1: up to that point, he'd never been he'd never shown

44:23 Speaker 1: any anger toward me for disagreeing with him on something.

44:27 Speaker 1: But I remember he said, and he brought it up,

44:32 Speaker 1: he said, you know, this Oberfell decision. And part of

44:36 Speaker 1: why he might have been mad is he said something

44:37 Speaker 1: that made me kind of chuckle a little bit, and

44:39 Speaker 1: I think that might have been what set him off.

44:41 Speaker 1: But I remember this, He goes, Maddie, this Oberfell decision.

44:45 Speaker 1: They've effectively just legalized sodomy nationwide. And I thought that

44:50 Speaker 1: was such an odd way of putting it, and it

44:52 Speaker 1: did make me kind of maybe I smirked or I

44:54 Speaker 1: don't know if I chuckled, but and you know, because

44:58 Speaker 1: he said that and I didn't get a chance to

45:00 Speaker 1: even get the words out, what I was thinking is,

45:02 Speaker 1: well that I think sodomy was already legal, right, I

45:05 Speaker 1: mean maybe maybe technically in some southern states they still

45:09 Speaker 1: have blue laws, you know, yeah, no sodomy on Sundays

45:13 Speaker 1: before eleven am or whatever the hell. But but you know,

45:17 Speaker 1: I thought it was such an odd way of putting

45:19 Speaker 1: it that I think I think I might have smirked

45:20 Speaker 1: at him, not meaning to, but and I remember he goes, Oh,

45:24 Speaker 1: you can make fun of me, but this is serious business, Matt.

45:27 Speaker 1: This is serious, and he was and he was pissed again.

45:31 Speaker 1: It wasn't long, like I said, It was a flash

45:33 Speaker 1: of anger. And then he got past it, and I just,

45:36 Speaker 1: you know, and I told him my side of it.

45:38 Speaker 1: I said, look, I just I've always believed that, you know,

45:41 Speaker 1: civil unions didn't go far enough. It was a good idea,

45:44 Speaker 1: but here's the problems with it. And I think that

45:47 Speaker 1: everyone should have the same rights. Even Dick Cheney believed that.

45:51 Speaker 1: By the way, that was the one the one thing

45:52 Speaker 1: Dick Cheney was always liberal on was same sex marriage.

45:55 Speaker 1: But you know, he had a gay daughter. You know,

45:58 Speaker 1: Rob Portman, very very conservative senator who had a gay son,

46:02 Speaker 1: has a gay son. Rob Portman's not dead and conservative

46:07 Speaker 1: on everything else if you look at his voting record,

46:09 Speaker 1: but always supported same sex marriage. So I guess if

46:11 Speaker 1: you have an actual gay person in your family, the

46:13 Speaker 1: ideas and so strange and bizarre to you. But as

46:19 Speaker 1: far as I know, those are the only conservatives who

46:21 Speaker 1: ever support gay marriage, as far as I know, are

46:23 Speaker 1: the ones who actually have a gay person in their families,

46:26 Speaker 1: then they're able to work up a little bit of empathy.

46:28 Speaker 1: But anyway, but I remember being really struck by that.

46:32 Speaker 1: It's like, Wow, my Dad's never gotten angry with me

46:34 Speaker 1: like that before during a political conversation. So so then,

46:45 Speaker 1: you know, that was twenty fifteen, so we all know

46:47 Speaker 1: what happened. Not long after that, Trump gets in and

46:53 Speaker 1: my father, who had been resistant to technology for so long,

47:00 Speaker 1: finally got acquainted with texting and he would text me

47:05 Speaker 1: things and surprise, I was surprised. He seemed to be

47:10 Speaker 1: going pretty full maga and he seemed to really like Trump. Now.

47:16 Speaker 1: Another weird memory though that I have from when I

47:19 Speaker 1: was a kid, Trump was on the cover of I

47:23 Speaker 1: want to say it was Newsweek. It was one of

47:25 Speaker 1: the news publications that we got at home that I

47:29 Speaker 1: loved to read because again, there was a lot of

47:31 Speaker 1: politics in them. I think it was Newsweek that had

47:34 Speaker 1: Trump on the cover. This was like, this would have

47:36 Speaker 1: been again I'm aging myself, but this would have been

47:38 Speaker 1: nineteen eighty something and it had Trump on the cover.

47:41 Speaker 1: It was during when when Trump was buying up casinos

47:44 Speaker 1: in Atlantic City or whatever, and so he was, you know,

47:48 Speaker 1: he was in the public eye quite a bit. Trump

47:50 Speaker 1: was was a celebrity long before he was president, and

47:54 Speaker 1: I remember my dad kind of mocking him and talking about,

47:57 Speaker 1: you know, saying things like, you know, this is the

47:58 Speaker 1: face of greed and whatnot, and talking about how he

48:01 Speaker 1: didn't think Donald Trump was a good guy and whatnot.

48:03 Speaker 1: And then here we are, you know, a few decades later,

48:05 Speaker 1: and Dad's on the Trump train, and it was strange

48:09 Speaker 1: to me. So then in twenty so, I was already

48:16 Speaker 1: doing political content and had been for a long time.

48:22 Speaker 1: Matt Connorton unleashed this version of the show that I'm

48:24 Speaker 1: doing right now. Actually started as a podcast in twenty eleven.

48:31 Speaker 1: Then in April of twenty seventeen, I had the opportunity

48:37 Speaker 1: to bring the show to WMNH now You're in Manchester.

48:41 Speaker 1: And at that point it was a two hour show.

48:45 Speaker 1: We were doing after drive, so I was on weekday

48:49 Speaker 1: afternoons from four to six pm, and you know, we

48:52 Speaker 1: always had some musical guests, but it was mostly politics

48:56 Speaker 1: at that point. So and I was trying to do

48:58 Speaker 1: something different because political talk radio is very heavily dominated

49:06 Speaker 1: by conservatives. So what I was trying to do is

49:12 Speaker 1: not not be like the the you know, just you know,

49:15 Speaker 1: a token liberal on the radio. You know, I was

49:20 Speaker 1: trying to but I was trying to bring some balance

49:21 Speaker 1: to it. And and you know, I would have conservative

49:24 Speaker 1: guests on the show and have conversations and I would

49:27 Speaker 1: uh take calls from anybody who wanted to talk really

49:29 Speaker 1: so so I I you know, I was coming from,

49:33 Speaker 1: you know, being on the left. I had a particular

49:35 Speaker 1: point of view, and it you know, it's it's opinion journalism.

49:38 Speaker 1: It's you know, just like a conservative show. I express

49:42 Speaker 1: my opinions and with the possible exception of the Second

49:46 Speaker 1: Amendment because I am in New Hampshire and uh, you

49:49 Speaker 1: know that that's the one issue where I'm definitely not liberal.

49:52 Speaker 1: But you know, for the most part, I'm a pretty

49:55 Speaker 1: left leaning guy. And and I would be very open

49:58 Speaker 1: with my opinions and and all my my my thoughts

50:04 Speaker 1: on it. Oh. By the way, Texas Mike is in

50:06 Speaker 1: the chat room and says, love you, Matt, appreciating a

50:09 Speaker 1: part of your show. Thank you, Texas Mike. Yes, Texas

50:12 Speaker 1: Mike also his government name Michael Martineau. He used to

50:17 Speaker 1: appear when I was on in Afternoon Drive. Texas Mike

50:21 Speaker 1: would appear on my show on a regular basis. That's

50:23 Speaker 1: actually where the Texas mic persona came from, was him

50:27 Speaker 1: being on my show and we just have a lot

50:28 Speaker 1: of fun. But love you too, Mikey. But so when

50:34 Speaker 1: I started on WM and AH in twenty seventeen, so

50:36 Speaker 1: it was very heavy on the politics, and eventually my

50:41 Speaker 1: dad started calling into the show. He started to I

50:47 Speaker 1: don't think he had ever listened to the podcast version

50:49 Speaker 1: of the show up to that. I don't think it

50:52 Speaker 1: was on until I was on FM radio that he

50:55 Speaker 1: really started paying attention to what I was doing and

51:02 Speaker 1: the things that I was saying and all of it.

51:09 Speaker 1: And he he had gone pretty hard MAGA by this point.

51:14 Speaker 1: So he would call in and he would disagree with

51:18 Speaker 1: me on things, and he would ramble. It's hard to

51:24 Speaker 1: get a word in. But I always showed him more

51:28 Speaker 1: latitude with that than I would with anybody else because

51:33 Speaker 1: it's my dad and I love him. And even though

51:38 Speaker 1: he would be calling and saying things, I mean, some

51:41 Speaker 1: of the things he would say, some of it would

51:45 Speaker 1: even you know, would get pretty wild, not just you know,

51:51 Speaker 1: typical conservative talking points, mega talking points, but sometimes he

51:55 Speaker 1: would veer off into conspiracy theories, and I know a

51:59 Speaker 1: lot of mega people are also conspiracy theorists, but he would,

52:02 Speaker 1: he would get he would go in some directions where

52:04 Speaker 1: I was like, jeez, really, but again I would I

52:07 Speaker 1: would let him say his peace, because he's my dad.

52:11 Speaker 1: And if there's one person I'm not going to interrupt

52:15 Speaker 1: talk over Muta's mute the audio whatever, it's my dad.

52:20 Speaker 1: Because even though I didn't like what he was saying

52:23 Speaker 1: and didn't agree with it, and even though it was

52:27 Speaker 1: hard to have an actual conversation while he was rambling,

52:34 Speaker 1: because I would have preferred that an actual back and

52:37 Speaker 1: forth dialogue, but a lot at the time he just

52:39 Speaker 1: couldn't do it. He just he'd start going and it

52:43 Speaker 1: was like it was the Martin Connerton Show now, which

52:47 Speaker 1: could be frustrating, but all that aside, part of me

52:53 Speaker 1: just just loved that. My dad is who got me

52:59 Speaker 1: interested in politics, and the first place is interested enough.

53:04 Speaker 1: I don't know if he ever called other shows, but

53:06 Speaker 1: he was interested enough in what I was doing and

53:09 Speaker 1: wanted to be a part of it in some way,

53:12 Speaker 1: and and was calling in. And it's not like he

53:15 Speaker 1: called in all the time, but but he called in

53:17 Speaker 1: often enough that listeners began to get acquainted with my dad.

53:21 Speaker 1: And then when my dad became active on social media,

53:24 Speaker 1: listeners began to get even more acquainted with my dad

53:27 Speaker 1: and established relationships with him, parasocial relationships with my dad online.

53:33 Speaker 1: And I did like that because, you know, I would

53:36 Speaker 1: get text messages from my dad, you know, where he

53:39 Speaker 1: would say things like, you know, I disagree with you

53:41 Speaker 1: on a lot of your positions, Matt, But you know,

53:45 Speaker 1: but I'm but I'm proud of you for using that

53:48 Speaker 1: platform to say what you think. And and you do

53:51 Speaker 1: engage in dialogue. You don't. You don't hang up on people,

53:54 Speaker 1: you don't say you know you only want to talk

53:56 Speaker 1: to people who agree with you. You actually engage in dialogue,

53:59 Speaker 1: which I did. You know, I love to do that.

54:01 Speaker 1: I enjoy talking with people I disagree with not as

54:04 Speaker 1: much as I used to, because now we live in

54:06 Speaker 1: a time where it seems like a lot of the

54:08 Speaker 1: people I disagree with are existing on a different plane

54:12 Speaker 1: of reality, where we can literally look at the exact

54:15 Speaker 1: same thing and have such a different interpretation of events.

54:17 Speaker 1: It's almost like, you know, that's why I don't like

54:20 Speaker 1: argue with flat earthers, for example, It's like, what's the

54:23 Speaker 1: point they exist on a different plane of reality, and

54:27 Speaker 1: it is very much a plane to them. It's certainly

54:29 Speaker 1: not a globe of reality. It's a plane of reality. Right,

54:31 Speaker 1: So it's like why even bother you know, It's like

54:34 Speaker 1: they're not living in reality. So what am I gonna

54:38 Speaker 1: debate them about. There's a lot of people I won't

54:41 Speaker 1: bother with for that reason. You know, if if if

54:45 Speaker 1: you exist in a completely different dimension than I do,

54:48 Speaker 1: then what do we have to talk about. I'm here

54:50 Speaker 1: on Earth one. If you're on on Earth too, you know,

54:54 Speaker 1: talk to other people who are living with you on

54:55 Speaker 1: Earth too, you know, leave me out of it. That's

55:00 Speaker 1: kind of my uh, that's kind of my thing. But

55:07 Speaker 1: so I got a kick out of it. I like

55:09 Speaker 1: there was a part of me that enjoyed. And then

55:10 Speaker 1: my dad would send me text messages and he would say,

55:13 Speaker 1: you know, I don't agree with what you said about this.

55:15 Speaker 1: I think you're wrong about this. I think you're wrong

55:17 Speaker 1: about that. I think you're wrong about these other ten things.

55:19 Speaker 1: But I like the way you do your show. I

55:22 Speaker 1: like the way you have dialogue. I love this is

55:25 Speaker 1: the part where he was always very positive right till

55:27 Speaker 1: the end. He was always very positive about this, he said,

55:29 Speaker 1: and I love the musical guests that you have on

55:31 Speaker 1: the show, because again, my dad loved to hear new music.

55:35 Speaker 1: That was something where he was unwaveringly supportive with me

55:39 Speaker 1: was my support of independent and unsigned artists in the

55:41 Speaker 1: music scene and local artists in the music scene. He

55:44 Speaker 1: was always very very supportive on that cause, again, like

55:48 Speaker 1: I said earlier, my dad loved hearing new music. You know.

55:52 Speaker 1: It's like I said before, if you got into a

55:54 Speaker 1: car with my dad, you would not hear an oldies

55:58 Speaker 1: station on the radio, not not no, you would hear

56:01 Speaker 1: whatever college radio station was in range. You know, he

56:04 Speaker 1: lived on the Sea coast. He loved to listen to

56:05 Speaker 1: w u n H, the great college station there, because

56:08 Speaker 1: he loved hearing new music, you know, he and he

56:11 Speaker 1: loved having access. That's something he learned to really love

56:14 Speaker 1: about the Internet, is having access to even though he

56:17 Speaker 1: was a little technophobic, as as a lot of boomers are,

56:19 Speaker 1: but he loved having access to you know, all this music,

56:24 Speaker 1: just anything you want to hear you can find. You know,

56:27 Speaker 1: he loved it. He thought it was great. You know.

56:32 Speaker 1: He certainly loved and appreciated the music of his youth,

56:34 Speaker 1: of his youth. But he never got stuck there. He

56:38 Speaker 1: never got stuck there. You know. My dad is the

56:43 Speaker 1: reason that indirectly that Kiss became my all time favorite band,

56:49 Speaker 1: because when I was a kid, and Kiss was already

56:52 Speaker 1: well out of the makeup at this point, there were

56:54 Speaker 1: it was, this was during the non makeup era. But uh,

56:58 Speaker 1: you know, I remember this memory very clearly. I was

57:06 Speaker 1: and I was aware of Kiss already at that point,

57:08 Speaker 1: but I hadn't really listened to them much. But I

57:11 Speaker 1: remember being in the living room one afternoon after school

57:15 Speaker 1: and the video for Tears Are Falling from Kiss's Asylum

57:18 Speaker 1: album was on MTV and my dad comes home from

57:22 Speaker 1: work and he kind of pokes his head into the

57:23 Speaker 1: living room and he says, Maddie, who is that Who

57:25 Speaker 1: does this song? Is that Kiss? And I said, yeah,

57:28 Speaker 1: it is, It's Kiss. And he said, wow, I really

57:31 Speaker 1: like this song and I said, yeah, me too. It's

57:34 Speaker 1: like my favorite song right now. So then that was

57:38 Speaker 1: in October of that year. So then for Christmas he

57:41 Speaker 1: got me that album. For Christmas, he got me Asylum,

57:45 Speaker 1: and uh, and then I was hooked. You know. I

57:47 Speaker 1: think Asylum is a really underrated album, and and that

57:52 Speaker 1: and Kiss became my favorite band from then on. But

57:55 Speaker 1: Dad and I, you know, so, we never had that.

57:57 Speaker 1: We never had that sort of generational thing that so

58:00 Speaker 1: many people experience with their parents, where their parents are like, oh,

58:03 Speaker 1: this music you kids are listening to today is garbage.

58:05 Speaker 1: Dad and I never had that because Dad always enjoyed

58:08 Speaker 1: music that was current. I did tell the story. I

58:13 Speaker 1: think I did tell this on the radio show. But

58:17 Speaker 1: my dad also really loved Van Halen when I was

58:21 Speaker 1: growing up, and I had borrowed the video from a

58:26 Speaker 1: friend of mine, oh, from Bill Zappia Hi, Billy. Billy

58:31 Speaker 1: was like my best friend for a long time growing up.

58:34 Speaker 1: And now he's a very successful musician, which I always

58:37 Speaker 1: knew he would be because he was a very talented

58:39 Speaker 1: musician when I was growing up. Already he was ahead

58:41 Speaker 1: of everyone else I knew. But Billy had loaned us

58:45 Speaker 1: a Van Halen live VHS tape again I'm aging myself,

58:51 Speaker 1: called Live Without a Net and it was from the

58:52 Speaker 1: fifty one to fifty tour and it was a live

58:55 Speaker 1: concert video and Dad and I watched it together and

59:00 Speaker 1: this is what I remember. It was a Sunday night.

59:02 Speaker 1: So it was a school night at school in the morning,

59:06 Speaker 1: and Dad was always pretty insistent that I went to

59:08 Speaker 1: bed on time. He wanted me to be awake and

59:10 Speaker 1: rested for school. Education was important to him, but he'd

59:15 Speaker 1: make an exception once in a while. So we watch

59:19 Speaker 1: We watched this. We watched Van Halen Live without an

59:22 Speaker 1: Ette all the way through. We both really enjoyed it.

59:24 Speaker 1: And then my father says to me at the end

59:27 Speaker 1: of it, He goes, Maddy, do you want to watch

59:32 Speaker 1: Do you want to watch a little bit of that again?

59:35 Speaker 1: Like maybe just the first couple of songs. I mean,

59:37 Speaker 1: he really And this was something Dad and I always

59:39 Speaker 1: agreed on too, you know, as far as Van Halen goes,

59:44 Speaker 1: as far as frontmen. You know the great debate David

59:48 Speaker 1: Lee Roth versus Sammy Hagar. I love them both for

59:51 Speaker 1: different reasons, but gone to my head, I go with

59:54 Speaker 1: Sammy Hagar. I love Sammy Hagar. I love his voice. Again.

59:58 Speaker 1: Roth is great in his own way for other reasons,

1:00:01 Speaker 1: but Sammy's got the pipes and fifty one fifty to

1:00:04 Speaker 1: this day is my favorite Van Halen album, Just one

1:00:06 Speaker 1: great song after another. I love that album. And my

1:00:09 Speaker 1: dad was was always of the same mindset, so Dad.

1:00:13 Speaker 1: At the end of this, so we watched this live

1:00:14 Speaker 1: without an Ette, this live concert video with Sammy Hagar

1:00:17 Speaker 1: as the front man, and Dad says to me, do

1:00:19 Speaker 1: you want to watch just watch a little bit of

1:00:21 Speaker 1: it again, just the first couple songs maybe, and then

1:00:23 Speaker 1: you got to go to bed, And I said okay.

1:00:26 Speaker 1: So we put it on, and I knew, because I

1:00:29 Speaker 1: knew my dad well enough, I knew what was about

1:00:32 Speaker 1: to happen. We were going to end up watching the

1:00:35 Speaker 1: whole thing again together because there was no way, because

1:00:38 Speaker 1: he'd put himself in a corner here, right because he

1:00:42 Speaker 1: says to me, and he must have known too deep

1:00:45 Speaker 1: down at least he says to me, you know, we'll

1:00:47 Speaker 1: just watch a couple more and then you got to

1:00:48 Speaker 1: go to bed a couple you know, first couple songs.

1:00:51 Speaker 1: But I knew there's no way he's gonna say, Okay, Maddie,

1:00:55 Speaker 1: you should probably get to bed now while we're in

1:00:58 Speaker 1: the middle of watching this. So we ended up watching

1:01:00 Speaker 1: the entire thing second time. I was up like two

1:01:04 Speaker 1: hours past my bedtime, but I knew Dad was going

1:01:07 Speaker 1: to make an exception, and he did, and we watched

1:01:09 Speaker 1: the entire the entire show a second time, and that

1:01:12 Speaker 1: was a nice memory. I've got a lot of great memories.

1:01:14 Speaker 1: Dad was. Dad was great when I was growing up.

1:01:16 Speaker 1: He was never hit me, rarely, rarely raised his voice

1:01:23 Speaker 1: to me. I can't say that he never did, but

1:01:26 Speaker 1: but he would rarely. As my sister Lindsay put it,

1:01:29 Speaker 1: he was a very gentle parent and very empathetic and

1:01:38 Speaker 1: is responsible for a lot of how I am my

1:01:42 Speaker 1: personality today. I'm my mom too. But obviously, like I

1:01:46 Speaker 1: said earlier, I saw a lot less of my mother

1:01:49 Speaker 1: growing up than I did my dad because my dad

1:01:50 Speaker 1: had primary custody. But a lot of that my mother

1:01:55 Speaker 1: instilled in me too. But my dad always my dad

1:01:58 Speaker 1: when I was growing up. He was very is this

1:02:00 Speaker 1: a good man and and just instilled, you know, values

1:02:06 Speaker 1: in me. You know, speak up when when you when

1:02:10 Speaker 1: you see injustice and and when you see things you

1:02:12 Speaker 1: don't like happening in the world, talk about it. Make

1:02:14 Speaker 1: your voice heard. I think there may have been moments

1:02:19 Speaker 1: in very recent times that he might have regretted instilling

1:02:22 Speaker 1: some of that in me. I said that half half joking, No,

1:02:26 Speaker 1: but I think you know, in terms of being being

1:02:30 Speaker 1: empathetic and patient with people, and having dialogue with people

1:02:33 Speaker 1: and trying to meet people where they are and talk

1:02:35 Speaker 1: things through and all that I definitely got. Again, my

1:02:38 Speaker 1: mother contributed to to that because she's that way too,

1:02:41 Speaker 1: but but I definitely got got got all that from

1:02:45 Speaker 1: my dad primarily. So he was a good He was

1:02:50 Speaker 1: a good father growing up. Doesn't mean he didn't make mistakes.

1:02:54 Speaker 1: I have specific memories of odd things that happened or

1:02:58 Speaker 1: that he said or did, but but nothing terrible, you know.

1:03:03 Speaker 1: But but and and those things are far because no

1:03:06 Speaker 1: parent is perfect, right. I'm sure everyone has things that

1:03:10 Speaker 1: they look back on from their childhood and specific moments

1:03:12 Speaker 1: that they think, jeez, mom or dad or maybe both

1:03:16 Speaker 1: of them, they they didn't handle that very well. That

1:03:19 Speaker 1: was strange. We all have well that stuff because no

1:03:21 Speaker 1: parent is perfect. But but my dad was a pretty

1:03:25 Speaker 1: good dad, pretty good dad growing up. I always felt safe

1:03:28 Speaker 1: with him, and he instilled a lot of really good

1:03:31 Speaker 1: things in me, I think, you know. And and the

1:03:37 Speaker 1: two things that that bound us the most were politics

1:03:42 Speaker 1: and music always and and continued to but in kind

1:03:47 Speaker 1: of a different way with the politics part. And like

1:03:50 Speaker 1: I said, I don't. I don't want to just because

1:03:53 Speaker 1: it did. It did finally complicate our relationship in recent years. So,

1:04:00 Speaker 1: like I said, when he really started getting sort of

1:04:05 Speaker 1: involved and invested in what I was doing in afternoon

1:04:11 Speaker 1: drive political talk radio. And not right away either. I

1:04:17 Speaker 1: started at WM and H in April of twenty seventeen.

1:04:24 Speaker 1: I'm not sure exactly when he started calling the show.

1:04:27 Speaker 1: It wasn't right away, but once he started calling, he called.

1:04:30 Speaker 1: He called fairly often. Sometimes he had a bad habit

1:04:34 Speaker 1: of calling right near the end of the show and

1:04:36 Speaker 1: then it's like, Dad, we gotta go, we gotta go,

1:04:38 Speaker 1: we gotta go. But there there came a point where

1:04:50 Speaker 1: his criticisms of me in the text messages that he

1:04:55 Speaker 1: would send me or in the voicemails that he would

1:04:58 Speaker 1: leave me occasionally, where they started to go from what

1:05:05 Speaker 1: could be taken as constructive criticism and sort of you know,

1:05:10 Speaker 1: will agree to disagree on this. It really started to shift.

1:05:16 Speaker 1: Might have been during COVID, might have been a little after,

1:05:20 Speaker 1: because it took a while for this to really take hold.

1:05:23 Speaker 1: But he started getting aggressive. And again I'm not you know,

1:05:29 Speaker 1: I'm talking about my dad, and you know I'm not

1:05:33 Speaker 1: trying to say anything negative. But I also you know,

1:05:35 Speaker 1: but I do want to give the full picture of

1:05:38 Speaker 1: everything of him. I think that's fair. And you know,

1:05:45 Speaker 1: this is where our relationship got complicated. I would get

1:05:53 Speaker 1: some text messages from him. I can tell you what

1:05:56 Speaker 1: the height of it was. Well, not the height of

1:05:58 Speaker 1: it even but where it really shifted was when roe V.

1:06:04 Speaker 1: Wade was overturned. He got nasty with me about it

1:06:11 Speaker 1: because again, I am unapologetically pro choice, and he knew

1:06:24 Speaker 1: that about me. He always knew that about me, but

1:06:28 Speaker 1: as an again as a devout Catholic man, and like

1:06:30 Speaker 1: I said, when I was a kid and Dad was

1:06:33 Speaker 1: still a liberal O sensibly a liberal Democrat. That was

1:06:37 Speaker 1: the one thing where he agreed with conservatives on and

1:06:41 Speaker 1: I think his Catholicism played a big role in that.

1:06:44 Speaker 1: That was the one thing he was always very pro choice.

1:06:50 Speaker 1: So when roe V. Wade was overturned, see again he

1:06:54 Speaker 1: knew my position. But now we're talking about it on

1:06:57 Speaker 1: the show and I'm talking about it with other yes,

1:07:00 Speaker 1: and it's it's in his face, right, you know, he knew,

1:07:08 Speaker 1: he knew my position, and my position had never changed

1:07:13 Speaker 1: and his position had never changed. But but I think

1:07:17 Speaker 1: now it was like it was in his face. It

1:07:21 Speaker 1: was it was me saying these things in a very

1:07:24 Speaker 1: public forum and having the support of other people who

1:07:27 Speaker 1: agreed with me in this public forum, and and it

1:07:35 Speaker 1: really upset him. And very few people know this, but

1:07:40 Speaker 1: it got to a point, I mean, he started, he

1:07:44 Speaker 1: started sending me very angry, very angry, aggressive text messages,

1:07:49 Speaker 1: and he sent me at one point, he sent me

1:07:52 Speaker 1: a text message that said, you have become and in

1:08:00 Speaker 1: raised pure evil and I don't know you, and I

1:08:04 Speaker 1: don't know who you are anymore, but you are evil

1:08:08 Speaker 1: and you are not my son. That was probably the meanest,

1:08:16 Speaker 1: angriest text messages I ever got from him, and I

1:08:18 Speaker 1: got a lot of angry, mean text messages from him

1:08:21 Speaker 1: in recent years. That was that was probably the height

1:08:27 Speaker 1: of it, though, in terms of just nasty things to

1:08:30 Speaker 1: say to me. And ninety nine percent of the time

1:08:36 Speaker 1: I would not respond to any of that, any of

1:08:39 Speaker 1: his anger, but I did that time, and I just said,

1:08:45 Speaker 1: what a horrible thing to say to your son, whom

1:08:49 Speaker 1: you supposedly love, you know, and for no other reason

1:08:54 Speaker 1: than we disagree politically. A couple of days later, I

1:08:58 Speaker 1: got sort of a half asked apology. But even the

1:09:02 Speaker 1: apology that I got from him was kind of weird

1:09:04 Speaker 1: because he said and maybe apologies being too kind, Maybe

1:09:08 Speaker 1: excuse would be more accurate. But he he said something about,

1:09:12 Speaker 1: but you know, Maddie, I've always been a masculine father,

1:09:14 Speaker 1: and I've always believed in tough love. That's why I

1:09:17 Speaker 1: was being so stern with you. And that was weird too,

1:09:21 Speaker 1: because number one, not only is that not a good

1:09:23 Speaker 1: reason to call me evil and say I'm not your

1:09:26 Speaker 1: son anymore and you don't know me, but also it

1:09:31 Speaker 1: also wasn't true. He wasn't like he wasn't this like

1:09:34 Speaker 1: super masculine father. I mean he was you know, he

1:09:38 Speaker 1: wasn't like a tough you know, tough love kind of

1:09:44 Speaker 1: you know. I mean, he made it sound like he

1:09:47 Speaker 1: was this this tough guy who raised me very strictly

1:09:51 Speaker 1: and sternly and hit me if I got out of

1:09:54 Speaker 1: line and all that. I mean, that's what he made

1:09:55 Speaker 1: it sound like in the text. Well, you know, I've

1:09:57 Speaker 1: always always been a tough dad, a masculine fother It's like, no,

1:10:01 Speaker 1: you weren't. You weren't dad, What are you talking about? No?

1:10:11 Speaker 1: I mean he was a great dad growing up, but

1:10:14 Speaker 1: he wasn't like this, like tough guy. He wasn't one

1:10:20 Speaker 1: of those dads, you know, so that was odd to me.

1:10:27 Speaker 1: But I would get, you know, from time to time

1:10:30 Speaker 1: after that, I would get text messages from him, not

1:10:32 Speaker 1: quite that mean, but he would say things like, you know,

1:10:36 Speaker 1: al he would sort of hint that he was disowning me.

1:10:40 Speaker 1: He would do this thing where he would say, you know,

1:10:43 Speaker 1: you're my son. I'll always I'll always love you, and

1:10:46 Speaker 1: i'll always pray for you, but I need to accept

1:10:50 Speaker 1: that you're just very different, or we're just very different.

1:10:56 Speaker 1: We see the world very different. I mean he would

1:11:01 Speaker 1: say a variation of that before, but originally he would

1:11:05 Speaker 1: say things like, you know, all the great philosophers talk

1:11:08 Speaker 1: about how you know, fathers and sons. You know, sometimes

1:11:11 Speaker 1: they disagree and that's just a part of the dynamic

1:11:14 Speaker 1: and whatnot. But now it was more like, I just

1:11:16 Speaker 1: have to accept that we're well, we disagree. I'll always

1:11:19 Speaker 1: love you and I'll always pray for you, but I

1:11:22 Speaker 1: just don't think I think at one point he said,

1:11:24 Speaker 1: I just don't think there's any point in us talking

1:11:25 Speaker 1: anymore about anything. You know, it's like okay, And I

1:11:34 Speaker 1: would rarely respond to any of that because I didn't

1:11:37 Speaker 1: know what the hell to say to it, to be frank,

1:11:40 Speaker 1: And it's one of those things you know now that

1:11:42 Speaker 1: these passed away, it's one of those things that you know,

1:11:44 Speaker 1: those I guess anyone who's lost a parent probably goes

1:11:49 Speaker 1: through this, you know, the regrets and the second guessing

1:11:52 Speaker 1: and the you know, like now I look back and think, well,

1:11:55 Speaker 1: should I have said something when he would say those things?

1:12:01 Speaker 1: Should I have responded with, well, you're my dad and

1:12:05 Speaker 1: I love you no matter what I think. Might I

1:12:08 Speaker 1: might have actually said things like that at some point,

1:12:10 Speaker 1: but but I think a lot of the time I

1:12:14 Speaker 1: didn't because I was just like, again, in pardon my language,

1:12:18 Speaker 1: but I just was like, what the fuck? Why would

1:12:23 Speaker 1: you say? Why would you say these things to me?

1:12:27 Speaker 1: You know, I get it, you're this hardcore maga dude now, uh,

1:12:32 Speaker 1: And I'm not. But you know, I can tell you

1:12:39 Speaker 1: I never once texted him and said, you know, I

1:12:46 Speaker 1: don't know what happened to you, dad, But like, I never,

1:12:54 Speaker 1: at least I don't think I did. I don't think

1:12:56 Speaker 1: I ever was overly judgmental or anything with him. The

1:13:03 Speaker 1: only thing I do remember calling him on something because

1:13:06 Speaker 1: at one point he said to me again in a

1:13:10 Speaker 1: text message, because I wasn't picking up the phone when

1:13:12 Speaker 1: he was calling, I'd let it go to voicemail because

1:13:15 Speaker 1: I just I'd had enough of being you know, if

1:13:21 Speaker 1: you're going to call me to tell me how twisted

1:13:23 Speaker 1: and evil you think I am, just because I disagree

1:13:26 Speaker 1: with you politically, I'm not going to pick up your

1:13:28 Speaker 1: call every time. I don't know if you ever understood that,

1:13:33 Speaker 1: And maybe I should have picked up those calls more often. Again,

1:13:35 Speaker 1: it goes back to the you know, the regrets, the

1:13:39 Speaker 1: second guessing, all of it. But but he did at

1:13:44 Speaker 1: one point say to me. I believe it was in

1:13:47 Speaker 1: a text message. He said something like, I don't know

1:13:49 Speaker 1: why you take these positions, Matt. I didn't raise you

1:13:52 Speaker 1: to think that way. And I think I did respond

1:13:57 Speaker 1: to him, and I just said, first of all, yeah,

1:14:02 Speaker 1: it's coming back to me now. I think I said

1:14:04 Speaker 1: two things. I said, First of all, you raised me

1:14:08 Speaker 1: to think for myself, so of course I'm going to

1:14:11 Speaker 1: have my own thoughts, opinions and ideas than you number one.

1:14:15 Speaker 1: But number two, you did raise me because again, look

1:14:22 Speaker 1: I was raising a household of democrats. I said to him,

1:14:26 Speaker 1: you did raise me to have certain values and certain

1:14:30 Speaker 1: priorities and to stick up for and speak up for

1:14:36 Speaker 1: marginalized groups. Again, you know my dad, he was a

1:14:40 Speaker 1: devout Catholic, so he was not an LGBTQ plus advocate,

1:14:45 Speaker 1: shall we say me I was? Why because my dad

1:14:49 Speaker 1: Catholicism aside, my dad raised me to speak up for

1:14:54 Speaker 1: disenfranchised and marginalized people. So so when he said to me,

1:15:02 Speaker 1: I didn't raise you to think this way, it's like

1:15:05 Speaker 1: the fuck you didn't. Of course you did. You just

1:15:08 Speaker 1: don't like how it's evolved from there. But Dad, you

1:15:12 Speaker 1: did raise me to think this way. Now you don't

1:15:15 Speaker 1: want to take responsibility for it because now you're this

1:15:17 Speaker 1: hardcore maga dude. That's fine. I don't need you to

1:15:20 Speaker 1: take responsibility for it, but you know, but but you

1:15:27 Speaker 1: played a role in it how I turned out. If

1:15:29 Speaker 1: if you're at a point now in your life where

1:15:32 Speaker 1: politically you think having empathy for people and and and

1:15:37 Speaker 1: looking out for people is somehow a weakness instead of

1:15:41 Speaker 1: a strength which you raised me to believe it is,

1:15:45 Speaker 1: you know, that's on you. That's not my fault that

1:15:48 Speaker 1: you've now kind of become this other dude. So I

1:15:54 Speaker 1: think I because I think it was that specific text

1:15:57 Speaker 1: when he said that to me. I didn't raise you

1:15:58 Speaker 1: to think this way. It's like, yeah, you did, and

1:16:01 Speaker 1: I'm glad you did and thank you. You might not

1:16:05 Speaker 1: be happy with the end result, but this is how

1:16:07 Speaker 1: I am. This is who I am, you know. So.

1:16:13 Speaker 1: But but it would go through phases too, so he'd

1:16:15 Speaker 1: get pretty nasty and angry, but then he'd kind of

1:16:17 Speaker 1: back off of it, and there were even times where

1:16:19 Speaker 1: he would try to focus on There was one thing

1:16:21 Speaker 1: where we always agreed, where we agreed when I was

1:16:25 Speaker 1: when I was growing up, that he instilled in me

1:16:27 Speaker 1: and that we agreed on. As far as I know,

1:16:30 Speaker 1: he never changed positions until the day that he died,

1:16:32 Speaker 1: and that was the death penalty. Dad and I were

1:16:35 Speaker 1: always always completely against the death penalty. And that's that's

1:16:41 Speaker 1: something where he never That's that's one issue where he

1:16:44 Speaker 1: never did go go maga. As far as I know,

1:16:46 Speaker 1: he always was opposed to the death penalty. But that's

1:16:50 Speaker 1: how our relationship got complicated. And I I'll never know

1:16:54 Speaker 1: for sure, but I think I think in his mind

1:17:01 Speaker 1: I sort of became the avatar for everything that was

1:17:07 Speaker 1: making him so angry, you know, because he'd called me,

1:17:12 Speaker 1: like I remember at one point in a text messages,

1:17:14 Speaker 1: in a text message, he said, he called me a

1:17:16 Speaker 1: typical woke liberal. And you know, because conservatives think being

1:17:22 Speaker 1: called a woke liberal as an insult, I I don't

1:17:26 Speaker 1: take it that way, but it's like, thank you, but

1:17:30 Speaker 1: but he called me a woke liberal and and it's like, uh,

1:17:36 Speaker 1: you know, okay, but again I'm I'm, I'm you know,

1:17:47 Speaker 1: there are things that I care about and that I'm

1:17:49 Speaker 1: passionate about. And then I say on my show, uh

1:17:52 Speaker 1: but now, but now to him, and I remember I

1:17:56 Speaker 1: remember that comment specifically. It's like, because he used that

1:17:58 Speaker 1: word typical, and I I remember thinking, I think that

1:18:02 Speaker 1: all of the everyone in the media who he hates,

1:18:06 Speaker 1: you know, everybody on MSNBC and you know, whoever, help

1:18:10 Speaker 1: whoever else right now it's MS now, but whoever, whoever

1:18:13 Speaker 1: he hates, whoever he's angry at, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, everybody,

1:18:19 Speaker 1: Kamala Harris, sorry, Gavin Newsom, Chuck Schumer, whoever. I think

1:18:27 Speaker 1: I think he was directing all of it at me,

1:18:30 Speaker 1: I now represented all of that to him in his mind.

1:18:35 Speaker 1: And part of why I think that to us because

1:18:36 Speaker 1: he would say weird stuff to me, like I remember

1:18:40 Speaker 1: one point getting a text message from him saying, you

1:18:43 Speaker 1: know you support AOC and I don't know how you

1:18:47 Speaker 1: can support her and she's an idiot. And I remember

1:18:49 Speaker 1: reading this text from him and thinking, when was the

1:18:54 Speaker 1: last time I even talked about AOC on my show?

1:18:58 Speaker 1: Like I couldn't remember. Yeah, it was a weird moment

1:19:01 Speaker 1: because I remember reading that text and going, what is

1:19:04 Speaker 1: he talking about? Because he's making it sound like I

1:19:06 Speaker 1: was talking about her on my show today. I can't

1:19:08 Speaker 1: even remember the last time her name came up on

1:19:09 Speaker 1: my show. Or he would say like, you know, you

1:19:12 Speaker 1: love Chuck Schumer, and it's like, no, actually, I don't.

1:19:17 Speaker 1: I think Chuck Schumer should have retired a long time ago.

1:19:21 Speaker 1: I don't think he should be in the position that

1:19:22 Speaker 1: he's in the Democratic Party. He's you know, he's an

1:19:28 Speaker 1: old guard establishment Democrat and he's not helpful to anything

1:19:33 Speaker 1: at this point, and I have nothing, And then I

1:19:36 Speaker 1: started remembering, have I ever said anything positive about Chuck

1:19:39 Speaker 1: Schumer on my show? When was the last time I

1:19:42 Speaker 1: haven't talked about Chuck Schumer, but he's like, but he would.

1:19:44 Speaker 1: He would just say this stuff, like you support this person,

1:19:47 Speaker 1: you support that person. People I never even really talked about.

1:19:51 Speaker 1: In some cases, people I viscerally dislike, like Chuck Schumer,

1:19:56 Speaker 1: no use for him, but he would say these things

1:19:59 Speaker 1: like you support him or who else. I'm trying to

1:20:01 Speaker 1: think of another example, but it would get it would

1:20:04 Speaker 1: get weird, like like, what is he talking about here?

1:20:10 Speaker 1: So I think he I think he just got I

1:20:21 Speaker 1: think he got red pilled, but red pill on steroids.

1:20:30 Speaker 1: So I say all that to say, and again I'm

1:20:34 Speaker 1: not I'm not trying to say anything negative because that

1:20:38 Speaker 1: was not the point of this. I wanted to talk

1:20:41 Speaker 1: about my dad to honor him, because I loved my

1:20:43 Speaker 1: father very much, love presentense. I love my father very much,

1:20:49 Speaker 1: probably more so the version you know, pre him getting

1:20:52 Speaker 1: so angry with me, but more love that version of

1:20:55 Speaker 1: him more. But I always loved my father right to

1:20:58 Speaker 1: the end. Seeing him in that hospital bed was horrific,

1:21:06 Speaker 1: seeing him lying there unconscious, It's horrifying, you know. And

1:21:17 Speaker 1: I know that he loved me, and even when he

1:21:19 Speaker 1: was angry with me, I know that he loved me,

1:21:21 Speaker 1: but you know, but I did want to present the

1:21:24 Speaker 1: whole picture too, you know, and there was some but look,

1:21:31 Speaker 1: I mean when when the show moved to Saturdays and

1:21:39 Speaker 1: we took the politics out of the radio version of

1:21:44 Speaker 1: the show, the W and H version, and started focusing

1:21:48 Speaker 1: more on on just interviews with musicians and other and

1:21:54 Speaker 1: discussing other subjects going on in the music industry. I

1:21:58 Speaker 1: think he probably missed being able to call in because

1:22:01 Speaker 1: obviously there's there's really no room for callers on that

1:22:03 Speaker 1: version of the show, with with rare exception on the

1:22:06 Speaker 1: current iteration. But but it may have been a relief

1:22:09 Speaker 1: to him too in a sense, because I did notice

1:22:12 Speaker 1: because he would text me and say very nice things

1:22:15 Speaker 1: about the Saturday show, very positive, encouraging things, talking about

1:22:20 Speaker 1: how he would say, you know, Matts, so many so

1:22:24 Speaker 1: many uh so much incredible talent out there, and you're

1:22:27 Speaker 1: and you're highlighting it and it's and it's great. You're

1:22:31 Speaker 1: doing such a wonderful job with that. Hello to gamer

1:22:37 Speaker 1: Jane in the chat watching on twitch. I believe oh

1:22:47 Speaker 1: there's a quote here from gamer Jane Kenneth boiled boiling.

1:22:54 Speaker 1: I don't know who that is said quote, anyone who

1:22:56 Speaker 1: believes in indefinite growth in anything physical on a physically

1:23:00 Speaker 1: finite planet is either mad or an economist. Us. I

1:23:06 Speaker 1: have no idea what that has to do with anything,

1:23:07 Speaker 1: but it's a very uh interesting thought. Okay. I do

1:23:16 Speaker 1: appreciate the interaction regardless. Please don't think I don't. So,

1:23:23 Speaker 1: you know, So there was there was a lot of

1:23:25 Speaker 1: positive feedback from my dad. But then, of course, you know,

1:23:27 Speaker 1: if I did something political on this version of the show,

1:23:30 Speaker 1: or on uh Hanging Left, the show that I do

1:23:35 Speaker 1: with Todd Air, or or even on even on Tough Bumps,

1:23:40 Speaker 1: the show that I do with Eric Pilcher, which is

1:23:41 Speaker 1: all about professional wrestling. Dad was upset about some of

1:23:45 Speaker 1: our comments about hull Cogan after he passed away, because Eric,

1:23:49 Speaker 1: in particular, I I tried to be a little more measured.

1:23:52 Speaker 1: Eric had some very negative things to say about hul Cogan,

1:23:56 Speaker 1: and Dad was was mad about that, you know. But

1:24:05 Speaker 1: h but all that, all that kind of falls away,

1:24:13 Speaker 1: you know, when you get a call from him saying,

1:24:16 Speaker 1: you know, Maddie, I'm in the hospital. It's my heart.

1:24:19 Speaker 1: It's uh yeah, my dad. I think he was sixty

1:24:29 Speaker 1: seven when he had his first heart attack and then

1:24:31 Speaker 1: he had a second one a few years ago, and uh,

1:24:35 Speaker 1: I had to have open heart surgery and the whole deal,

1:24:38 Speaker 1: and recovered both times. This time, you know, he went

1:24:44 Speaker 1: to Wentworth Douglas because he was living in Dover, and

1:24:47 Speaker 1: then he was in total heart failure and they, uh,

1:24:53 Speaker 1: I don't know if they use the word total. That

1:24:54 Speaker 1: doesn't make sense, does it, Because if he was in

1:24:56 Speaker 1: total heart failure, he probably would have died right away,

1:24:59 Speaker 1: but severe heart failure, and they ended up transferring him

1:25:04 Speaker 1: to Mass General. And I can tell you this, I

1:25:11 Speaker 1: do take some solace in the fact that he was

1:25:19 Speaker 1: at one of the best hospitals in the country with

1:25:22 Speaker 1: one of the best cardiac teams in the country, Mass

1:25:25 Speaker 1: General in Boston, because I know that he had let

1:25:30 Speaker 1: me put it this way, if they couldn't save him,

1:25:33 Speaker 1: if the team there couldn't save him, and they loved

1:25:36 Speaker 1: my dad, by the way, one of the doctors told

1:25:39 Speaker 1: me on the phone. He said, he's the most pleasant

1:25:41 Speaker 1: person here and everyone loves him, loves talking to him.

1:25:44 Speaker 1: So he was a very good patient. Didn't surprise me actually,

1:25:49 Speaker 1: But apparently the television stayed off too. There was no

1:25:52 Speaker 1: Fox News while he was there in that hospital bed.

1:25:54 Speaker 1: I wonder how different he might have been if he'd

1:25:56 Speaker 1: but he I don't think he wanted it. I think

1:25:59 Speaker 1: he just wanted to to focus on the positive as

1:26:02 Speaker 1: he was trying to get better. But if they couldn't

1:26:04 Speaker 1: save him, this is the point of what I'm saying.

1:26:05 Speaker 1: If they couldn't save him, nobody could. You know, in

1:26:08 Speaker 1: one of the best hospitals in the country. If if

1:26:10 Speaker 1: Mass General couldn't save my dad, nobody could save my dad. So,

1:26:14 Speaker 1: you know, that does give me a little bit of

1:26:17 Speaker 1: peace of mind, knowing that, you know, he wasn't at

1:26:23 Speaker 1: you know, you know, some some backwoods po dunk medical

1:26:31 Speaker 1: facility and uh you know backwater Alabama or something, you know,

1:26:38 Speaker 1: Bob's Hospital in backwoods Alabama. No, he was in one

1:26:43 Speaker 1: of the best hospitals in the country. If they couldn't

1:26:45 Speaker 1: save him, no one could save him. And he fought

1:26:47 Speaker 1: bravely for Cheese. I think it was almost two months

1:26:49 Speaker 1: from start to finish, from when Wentworth Douglas transferred him

1:26:52 Speaker 1: there to when he passed away. He was there for

1:26:55 Speaker 1: a long time, so he fought bravely. Unjillie couldn't and

1:27:08 Speaker 1: that was it. So I appreciate anyone who sat through

1:27:18 Speaker 1: all of this because I think I think we've kind

1:27:21 Speaker 1: of exhausted it. The one other thing that I will say,

1:27:23 Speaker 1: and I did say this on social media, and I

1:27:26 Speaker 1: want to repeat it here too, And if you know,

1:27:28 Speaker 1: if Lindsay or Ryan or both, if they happened to

1:27:32 Speaker 1: watch this or listen to this, you know, silver line

1:27:36 Speaker 1: this is all. This is all going to sound very cliche.

1:27:39 Speaker 1: I apologize, but because I try not to be cliche.

1:27:43 Speaker 1: But if there's a silver lining to any of it,

1:27:45 Speaker 1: it's that I've reconnected with them. My family became I

1:27:49 Speaker 1: didn't talk any about this part at all, but my

1:27:52 Speaker 1: family became pretty fractured. Jeez, what year would it have

1:27:58 Speaker 1: even been? Sometime in the nineties when uh, my h

1:28:05 Speaker 1: my stepmother Debbie left my dad and uh moved back

1:28:10 Speaker 1: to New York with my sister Lindsay and my brother Ryan.

1:28:15 Speaker 1: They're they're half siblings. Uh so you know, we have

1:28:17 Speaker 1: the same dad, different mothers. They're from from my father's

1:28:21 Speaker 1: second marriage, and they and and you know, as as

1:28:29 Speaker 1: happens in a lot of families, it's just you know,

1:28:32 Speaker 1: so we we were in different places geographically, and then

1:28:35 Speaker 1: life kind of takes over and everyone goes on whatever

1:28:37 Speaker 1: path they're on, and sometimes families lose touch. And I

1:28:40 Speaker 1: will be the first to admit and acknowledge that when

1:28:44 Speaker 1: it comes to keeping in touch with people, even members

1:28:47 Speaker 1: of my own family, Uh, I'm not I'm not good

1:28:52 Speaker 1: at it. I have an incoming call from doctor Kevin.

1:29:00 Speaker 1: I'm not sure why he's called. I haven't heard from

1:29:01 Speaker 1: doctor Kevin in a long time. I'm not sure why

1:29:03 Speaker 1: he's calling me right now unless he's watching the live

1:29:05 Speaker 1: stream but and wants to join the conversation. But Kevin,

1:29:08 Speaker 1: I don't I don't really have any way to answer it.

1:29:13 Speaker 1: I mean, I have a way to answer it, but

1:29:14 Speaker 1: I don't have any way to import the audio unless

1:29:18 Speaker 1: he wants me to put him on speaker. Well, let

1:29:20 Speaker 1: me finish this thought. And I love doctor Kevin, noticerespect

1:29:24 Speaker 1: at all. He's a great guy. But you know, I'm

1:29:32 Speaker 1: really glad to have reconnected with my sister Lindsay and

1:29:36 Speaker 1: my brother Ryan. They're both remarkable people. And you know,

1:29:43 Speaker 1: they came out we had to clean out Dad's apartment.

1:29:45 Speaker 1: They came out here and we did that together. But

1:29:49 Speaker 1: and and Lindsay's Lindsay's husband Gary also, you know, I

1:29:55 Speaker 1: got to meet him for the first time. Just a

1:29:58 Speaker 1: great guy, very positive attitude, positive vibe. And of course, uh,

1:30:05 Speaker 1: they're they're two there are two children who I had

1:30:09 Speaker 1: not met prior and uh, and and my stepmother Debbie,

1:30:12 Speaker 1: who hadn't seen in decades. That was that was wild

1:30:19 Speaker 1: seeing her again, just like wow, you know, And it's strange,

1:30:26 Speaker 1: like so much time can pass since you've seen somebody

1:30:30 Speaker 1: and then like literally decades and then you're there in

1:30:34 Speaker 1: the room with them and it's like nothing's changed in

1:30:41 Speaker 1: a way. You know. Again, it all sounds very cliche

1:30:46 Speaker 1: and trite, and I don't. I try not to be

1:30:48 Speaker 1: that way. Uh, but you know, but it was wonderful too.

1:30:55 Speaker 1: You know. The night before we we we had dinner

1:30:57 Speaker 1: and we all had dinner together and that was nice.

1:31:00 Speaker 1: And like I said, you know, they've turned out to

1:31:02 Speaker 1: be remarkable people and who have done a lot of

1:31:07 Speaker 1: the heavy lifting in this process too, which I'm grateful for,

1:31:19 Speaker 1: you know. And then there's you know, like I said too,

1:31:22 Speaker 1: then there's all the regrets and second guessing and kind

1:31:26 Speaker 1: of feeling like I shouldn't have let I shouldn't you know,

1:31:29 Speaker 1: because it was never again, there was never any estrangement

1:31:32 Speaker 1: between my siblings and I none, not at all. It

1:31:35 Speaker 1: was never like that, no problem or anything. We just

1:31:43 Speaker 1: you know, or not even that. I mean, what five

1:31:47 Speaker 1: hours where they where they live said five hours from here,

1:31:50 Speaker 1: six hours from here. But you know, people, they just

1:31:54 Speaker 1: end up on their own paths. And I also think too,

1:32:00 Speaker 1: there's this phenomenon where I think social media makes it

1:32:05 Speaker 1: a little easier than it used to be to kind

1:32:07 Speaker 1: of take people for granted, because it almost feels like

1:32:13 Speaker 1: like if you if you can see them online, if

1:32:15 Speaker 1: you can see them on social media, then that sort

1:32:19 Speaker 1: of becomes almost like a replacement for keeping in touch

1:32:27 Speaker 1: with them. You don't feel like you're not in touch

1:32:30 Speaker 1: with that person because you like their Facebook post or something,

1:32:34 Speaker 1: and that sort of becomes good enough. And it's but

1:32:39 Speaker 1: it's really a way of taking them for granted. And

1:32:41 Speaker 1: I am as guilty of that, if not more so

1:32:45 Speaker 1: than anybody, and I feel terrible about that. But getting

1:32:54 Speaker 1: to see them and and and and seeing seeing the

1:32:59 Speaker 1: remarkable people they've become was a real blessing. And it

1:33:05 Speaker 1: sucks that it took Dad passing away for that to happen,

1:33:10 Speaker 1: but at least it happened, you know, getting to see them,

1:33:13 Speaker 1: and it's funny. I got to the h that night

1:33:17 Speaker 1: before before we had to clean out Dad's apartment. I

1:33:20 Speaker 1: got to the restaurant we met up in Portsmouth, and

1:33:23 Speaker 1: I got to the restaurant before them, and then as

1:33:26 Speaker 1: they're getting as they're getting out of the vehicle, I

1:33:28 Speaker 1: just it was that was a cold night. Actually not

1:33:30 Speaker 1: as cold as it's been recently, but that was a

1:33:32 Speaker 1: cold night, and I just so I was waiting inside,

1:33:36 Speaker 1: but you know, as they pulled up and they're getting

1:33:39 Speaker 1: out of the vehicle, I just kind of opened the

1:33:40 Speaker 1: door of the restaurant. I poke my hat out and

1:33:42 Speaker 1: I said, Hi, are you my family? I knew it

1:33:45 Speaker 1: was them, but it was surreal, it really was, but

1:33:52 Speaker 1: in the best possible way. So I was nervous. I

1:33:57 Speaker 1: was nervous about it, but then being there with them,

1:33:59 Speaker 1: like like once they got there, you know, and where

1:34:02 Speaker 1: everyone's hugging and everything, then you know, whatever nervousness or

1:34:06 Speaker 1: apprehension I felt was just gone, completely gone. It's like, oh,

1:34:10 Speaker 1: here we are. This is supposed to be We're all

1:34:11 Speaker 1: supposed to be together. Just felt really natural, and it

1:34:15 Speaker 1: was good and we had a nice we had a

1:34:17 Speaker 1: nice meal together. So there will be a service, I

1:34:27 Speaker 1: believe in May, with the full military honors and everything

1:34:32 Speaker 1: for my dad because he was a veteran, he was

1:34:36 Speaker 1: in the Navy during the Vietnam War. That there was

1:34:43 Speaker 1: going to be something else but in New York and

1:34:48 Speaker 1: that's where he'll be buried to in New York State,

1:34:50 Speaker 1: because ultimately, I mean, he had more family out there

1:34:52 Speaker 1: than he had here, and he you know, but the

1:34:55 Speaker 1: decision was made to cremate him. But but again, there

1:35:00 Speaker 1: be an official funeral service in May, I believe may

1:35:03 Speaker 1: or June, I think is what Gary had said, you know,

1:35:07 Speaker 1: but they decided to cremate them, which is fine with me.

1:35:10 Speaker 1: I mean, I personally, I can tell you I've I've

1:35:14 Speaker 1: I've always found it kind of interesting that people tend

1:35:18 Speaker 1: to be so concerned with that or what's going to

1:35:21 Speaker 1: happen to their body after they die. You know, you'll

1:35:23 Speaker 1: often hear people say, well, I want to be buried.

1:35:26 Speaker 1: I want to be I want to be buried in

1:35:28 Speaker 1: such and such a place with you know, and or

1:35:31 Speaker 1: they'll say, well, I don't like the idea of being

1:35:34 Speaker 1: in the ground. I want to be cremated and then

1:35:36 Speaker 1: you can scatter my ashes in the ocean or put

1:35:40 Speaker 1: me on your mantle or whatever. And I just always

1:35:42 Speaker 1: thought it's kind of interesting that people are so concerned

1:35:45 Speaker 1: with that. I personally couldn't care less, like what you

1:35:49 Speaker 1: do with me after I die. If you want to

1:35:52 Speaker 1: take me and dump me in the river, you can.

1:35:53 Speaker 1: I mean, you probably can't. I'm sure that's extremely illegal.

1:35:57 Speaker 1: But you know, if you wanted to have some fun

1:35:58 Speaker 1: with it and make it look like it was a hit,

1:36:00 Speaker 1: go ahead, because I got news for you. I'm not

1:36:02 Speaker 1: gonna know. You know what I mean, When I die,

1:36:06 Speaker 1: my ego will die with me, So I've I've always said,

1:36:09 Speaker 1: you know, I could not give a shit less what

1:36:12 Speaker 1: you do with me after I die, because to me,

1:36:15 Speaker 1: it's like or it's like with like I don't understand.

1:36:19 Speaker 1: And again, I don't mean this. I'm not criticizing anyone

1:36:23 Speaker 1: when I say any of this. Everyone has their own

1:36:26 Speaker 1: way of dealing with death and grief and all of it.

1:36:28 Speaker 1: So you know, however you want to do it as

1:36:29 Speaker 1: your deal, I'm not I'm not trying to make fun

1:36:31 Speaker 1: of anybody or criticize anybody, but like, I don't, I

1:36:36 Speaker 1: don't do uh. I don't do the open casket thing.

1:36:38 Speaker 1: Like if I go to a funeral and as an

1:36:40 Speaker 1: open casket, I'm not gonna or awake. I'm not gonna

1:36:43 Speaker 1: go and go over to where the body is and

1:36:47 Speaker 1: say my last goodbyes and whatnot. I don't do that.

1:36:50 Speaker 1: I avoid that. I personally think it's a bit morbid. Again,

1:36:55 Speaker 1: everybody do your own thing. I have an this is

1:36:58 Speaker 1: an unpopular opinion that I have. I'm an odd case

1:37:03 Speaker 1: on this, but I just don't want to ever do

1:37:07 Speaker 1: that because to me, that body that's not them, that's

1:37:15 Speaker 1: now a shell that used to contain them, their essence,

1:37:20 Speaker 1: their consciousness, their soul if you believe in that, whatever.

1:37:23 Speaker 1: But once they die, that's no longer them. It's now

1:37:26 Speaker 1: just a dead body. So I don't need to go

1:37:29 Speaker 1: and hang out with a dead body and say bye.

1:37:32 Speaker 1: Like to me, it's weird, but again that's me. I'm unusual.

1:37:36 Speaker 1: I understand people need that. People need that for closure,

1:37:38 Speaker 1: whatever it is. That's how you process grief. You go,

1:37:41 Speaker 1: you see the body, you say goodbye. I've never done that,

1:37:45 Speaker 1: no thank you, But again that's me. I don't understand

1:37:50 Speaker 1: the open casket thing. I don't understand having awake. And

1:37:54 Speaker 1: again I look, it's recorded. It's documented. So you know,

1:37:58 Speaker 1: if when I die, you do decide to throw me

1:38:01 Speaker 1: in a river, you have no no jury will convict you,

1:38:06 Speaker 1: because I'm sure it's very illegal to do that, because

1:38:10 Speaker 1: I am on record saying you have permission to do that.

1:38:14 Speaker 1: There you go. You can eat me if you want to.

1:38:19 Speaker 1: If you're a cannibal and I'm dead and I look

1:38:22 Speaker 1: delicious to you, you go ahead. I do not give

1:38:25 Speaker 1: a shit because I won't know. I mean, assuming there's well, look,

1:38:31 Speaker 1: if there's no afterlife and it's just that's it, lights out,

1:38:34 Speaker 1: I won't know anything. And if there isn't, if I'm

1:38:37 Speaker 1: wrong and there is an afterlife, well hopefully at that

1:38:38 Speaker 1: point I have bigger fish to fry than worrying about

1:38:42 Speaker 1: you know, whether you know what happened to the carcass

1:38:45 Speaker 1: that used to contain me. That's how I feel about it,

1:38:49 Speaker 1: all right. I think I've exhausted this and I'm glad

1:38:54 Speaker 1: I finally did it. And if there's anyone who actually

1:38:58 Speaker 1: sat through the whole thing, thank you. So that's my

1:39:04 Speaker 1: kind of my memorial to Martin James Connerton. My father

1:39:08 Speaker 1: passed away at the age of seventy eight December eighteenth,

1:39:13 Speaker 1: twenty twenty five at mass General Hospital. And you know,

1:39:18 Speaker 1: I may talk about him more in the future if

1:39:20 Speaker 1: something comes up that maybe I wanted to say that

1:39:23 Speaker 1: I forgot or anything like that, But otherwise I think

1:39:27 Speaker 1: that's it. If you are watching or listening to this

1:39:31 Speaker 1: live on Sunday night and you're wondering about this week's

1:39:34 Speaker 1: episode of Tough Bumps, Eric wanted to skip this week

1:39:39 Speaker 1: because he's been very, very busy, so we have taken

1:39:43 Speaker 1: this week off, but Tough Bumps will return next week,

1:39:45 Speaker 1: I believe. And of course, if you missed this week's

1:39:49 Speaker 1: radio show that is up and available. You can get that.

1:39:52 Speaker 1: Please subscribe on your podcast platform of choice. And if

1:39:56 Speaker 1: you want to keep up with everything I'm up to

1:39:58 Speaker 1: or learn more about me, just find out how to

1:40:01 Speaker 1: reach me. Go to my website Matt Connorton dot com.

1:40:03 Speaker 1: And if you're watching the video of this, it's even

1:40:05 Speaker 1: on the screen. So there you go. All right, I

1:40:10 Speaker 1: think that's it. Love to you all, thank you, and

1:40:16 Speaker 1: stay safe again if you're you know, if you have

1:40:20 Speaker 1: to travel anywhere, and you're selling breather. This terrible weather

1:40:25 Speaker 1: system is occurring. Please be very very careful. Bye everybody,